# 123 How you relate to your life’s situations transforms you
Two decades ago I used to work with children and youth living on the streets. After three months of interaction with Rafiq, a 19 year old boy, he had agreed to join a course to be an Electrician. I was really excited – perhaps more than he was. It had taken many months for Rafiq to trust me, share some of his life story and see the light of possibility in my eyes for his life. The precious years of his life had been fractured by abuse on the streets both physical and sexual. In my conversations with Rafiq as preparation for the course we had spoken of how his day would change in terms of structure, the employment possibilities going forward, the money he could make so that he did not have to continue petty theft and so on. I had also sent him on errands to see whether he could follow instructions and the discipline it requires to follow through. I genuinely thought that we had prepared Rafiq enough.
It had been agreed that I would accompany Rafiq and a few other youth to the vocational training institute. That day arrived. It was 11 am. The boys who were going to join the institute would arrive any time soon. When the other two boys arrived neatly dressed, I looked over their shoulder and asked – Rafiq kahaan hai? Where is Rafiq? They looked at each other not knowing what to say. I repeated myself. One of them said – Woh bhaag gaya. He ran away. He left last night on a train and said that he was going away for a few days. Did he say something before leaving, I asked. No. Didi don’t worry. Khaali peeli aap takleef le rahe ho. Kuch nahi hone wala hai.(You are just necessarily making the effort. Nothing’s going to happen) I was stunned and my eyes began to moisten. How could he run away? Again? I felt betrayed. Rafiq had said that he wanted to stop petty theft. I trusted him. I had gone to great lengths to get special permission from the vocational training institute for admission, the orientation for street youth, the financial sponsorship, the efforts to sound out potential employers…After all my efforts, how could he do this to me? For days I swung from anger to self pity, notions of life not being fair despite all the effort and the right intentions and so on.
Often when we talk about the events in our life, we see ourselves at the receiving end. They’re doing it to me, it’s happening to me – the break up, the neglect from parents, the bullying by seniors in school, the politics at work, the barrage of media news – things happen to me. Mind you there are some terrible situations where one is a victim of circumstances. I am not talking about that. I am referring to the victim mentality.
To the extent that we see things happen to me, we cannot help but feel, overwhelmed, being swamped, being unable to cope. When things happen to me it implies that these things are in opposition to me and it is me standing against the entire overbearing situation. The first way of relating to life circumstances is things happen to me.
Coming back to Rafiq, the other boys told me that Rafiq had returned to CST railway station after a few days. In my mind then Rafiq had a lot of explaining to do. So I went along with them and spotted him having a smoke on the side of the road. He saw me and tried to walk away. I managed to catch up and said let ‘s have some chai. After a few sips and some chit chat I asked, ‘What happened’? and he said – When something new happens for you people you look forward to it. When something new is going to happen in our lives, I am so afraid that it wont work out that I walk away from it. ‘ That statement was so insightful. I realised that he had not betrayed my trust, he was struggling with fear and insecurity like we all do.
The situation was NOT me vs Rafiq. He had not done anything to me. The situation with Rafiq and my learning from him and other situations led me to focus on situations that could happen by me. What I could do was surely less compared to what I could not. But that was enough for the change I wanted to contribute to, in these children’s lives.
Rather than focus on situations that were happening to me, I started to focus on my abilities and powers so that one could shape situations by me. It was less overwhelming as it was built around sense of agency and achievement.
The second way of relating to life circumstances is things can happen by me. This change in perspective is based on responsibility which revolves around – How am I going to be with this? Recognising that there is always a choice. The other you are dealing with, could be your partner, your ex partner, your child or your work. You see the experience and choose to respond to it from a place of freedom and agency. One no longer sees oneself at the receiving end but as responsible for and a creator of one’s experience.
Despite all that has happened in your life, a new moment in time does not carry the baggage of the past. It is fresh, complete and fully available.
The movement from ‘to me’ to ‘by me’ is a shift to taking responsibility and a necessary step of growth. But the thing with the appetite for responsibility and achievement is that when you try to shape experiences by yourself and things don’t go your way you start to blame yourself. Responsibility can slip into over responsibility. One can start blaming oneself for anything in the name of self improvement. I know with Rafiq and the other kids I had raised that to a fine art.
And then the third way of relating to life is ‘through me’. As one becomes more aware of the things one cannot change and develops the courage to change the things one can, one starts to open one’s eyes to what else is going on in the world.
One opens upto the possibility of laws and principles that shape situations.
One opens up to the complex matrix of karma that criss crosses in a complex network across all our lives.
Maybe situations are NOT about what happened to me or what happens by me.
Maybe life is about what can happen through me?
Maybe situations are NOT as personal and as targeted as I had earlier imagined.
Maybe the symphony of Ishvara is going on and I have been asked to play a small part.
Maybe I am just an instrument like a flute. Rabindranath Tagore, one of the great poets of India has a poem called the ‘Little Flute’ where he refers to the reed being carried by thou i.e. Bhagavan through hills and dales and how you Bhagavan breathe through it melodies that are eternally new.
Being an instrument is what Bhagavan Krshna suggested to Arjuna – nimitta matram bhava.
I remember talking to a Vedanta student in Brazil who was an experienced surfer. Initially when one gets on the surfing board you are at the mercy of the waves. You are at the mercy of balance and at the receiving end of the wind. You fall several times.
You complain about things not being right – the board is heavy, you are heavy and so on. You complain about the weather, the waves, the wind everything because things are happening to you. And then some of the experienced surfers teach you to balance yourself. You start to take responsibility and apply the lessons and in a few weeks or months you are a master of surfing. You become so good that you don’t remember the principles any more. You have learnt to dance with the situation of the waves, the wind and the weather. Experienced surfers speak of how surfing happens through them, not to them nor by them. This is also what people refer to when they speak of the zone or when a flow of ideas occur through you. You have allowed yourself to be an instrument as you surrender to the moment. In that surrender you see what needs to be done and you do. When people function like this we can bring forth amazing gifts to the world.
Everyone has some talents and abilities that are unique to them which are much needed for the world. But we are too obsessed with ourselves and our judgments that we set ourselves up worrying about what will happen to me if this does not work out? And we are back in the cycle of being at the mercy of thoughts happening to us. Through the disposition of Karma Yoga one can be an instrument of change in the world.
And so what I suggest you to do is to pause and look at any aspect of your life – where you feel that things are happening to you, some aspects where things are happening by you and things that are happening through you. If any aspect requires changing you will get your answers immediately.
With continued exposure to Vedanta, the relationship to situations changes.
The fourth way of relating to situations in our lives is how a wise person does.
All that is here is me, consciousness. The body and mind are but forms that don’t have an independent reality of their own. Situations that occur with the body and mind happen in me.
I, consciousness light up the play of karma and hence the twists and turns in the person’s life.
Just as the light is unaffected whether it shines on sewage or whether it shines on a fragrant garden of flowers so too I am in and through all situations of this life.
Nothing is opposed to me.
I accommodate and illumine everything.
