#139 Becoming a friend to oneself (Sakhi bhaava)
Any change in action or attitude requires some effort on our parts – some sort of a movement from where we are and where we want to be.
e.g. My average screen time is 3 hours every day. I want to reduce it to two hours
I get irritable and snappy with person x. I want to retain my composure with person x.
I continue to be disturbed by that incident of five years ago. I want to be able to put that incident behind me.
Where I am and where I want to be – seem to be different places.
This gives rise to a constant drone of dissatisfaction that is ever present in our lives.
No matter how much I do, I feel not good enough.
No matter how much I have, it seems like it is not good enough.
Our experience tells us that any amount of doing and acquiring does not change this drone of dissatisfaction.
And then to add it to it, most of us are not happy with people around us.
Surely my partner could show more care for me
Surely my parents could be more compliant in taking their medications on time.
Surely my boss need not drive me up the wall, with her unreasonable demands.
Surely my friend could take to Vedanta, like I have.
This drive of seeking complete fulfillment in limited things or by oneself or the other ‘becoming something’ is never ending. We call it samsaara.
While improvements in different areas – work, relationships, finances, education, etc can be great the promised happiness that is supposed to come after self-improvement proves to be elusive. This cycle of becoming and becoming is called samsaara.
We can be free from this samsaara by discovering the being in and through all the becoming.
The being which is full, complete and limitless.
The abiding presence in and through the personality.
Self improvement leading to self mastery and self discovery are not opposed to each other.
We could still improve our skills for more effective and efficient functioning but the struggle of self-improvement is no longer to improve the boundless self that is the Atma.
I, Atma cannot be improved upon.
Our pursuit can have better direction.
Whether our pursuit is for health, wealth or for self-knowledge, to be a master, a jitatma – the one who has mastered oneself, Bhagavan Krishna emphasizes that we need to be a friend to ourselves, a sakha, a bandhu.
Uddharēd ātmanatmānaṃ nātmānamavasādayēt|
ātmaiva hyātmanōbandhuḥ ātmaiva ripurātmanaḥ||6.5||
One should uplift oneself by oneself.
One should not lower oneself.
For, the self alone is the friend of oneself;
the self alone is the enemy of oneself.
Here the atma, refers to the person who is swimming in the waters of dissatisfaction and insecurity and trying to come out of it.
How can you get out of these waters? By your own will and effort.
How? By lifting yourself.
How so? By being a bandhu, a friend to oneself.
What else? One need not lower oneself or look down on oneself. If we do so, it is being inimical to oneself, much like a ripu, an enemy.
When your own cells start to attack you, as it happens in cancer and some autoimmune diseases, what are the chances of flourishing and thriving? We have to increase one’s immunity by creating a conducive environment with our lifestyle, nutrition, exercise, sleep and our thoughts.
Krishna categorically says that we create a conducive inner landscape by being a friend, a bandhu to oneself.
What does that mean? By talking to oneself like a friend would.
By cultivating sakha or sakhi bhaava which includes your inner dialogue of a kind, loving friend.
If you are going through a rough time, rather than snapping at yourself and putting yourself down, as a bandhu or a sakhi you say –
Hmm..you are going through a rough time.
Sweetheart or any other endearment, I am always here for you.
I love you and accept you as you are.
You are acceptable. You are lovable. You are powerful.
You have the blessings of 3 shaktis every moment – our iccha shakti – our power to want and feel and desire, kriya shakti – our power to do and jnana shakti – our power to know.
These blessings are with you every moment.
It feels horrible at the moment but we can get through this.
We have weathered enough storms and sailed enough ships of different phases.
I am here for you.
Sometimes we sub consciously punish ourselves by digging out the most uncomplimentary things said about us – as if to look for evidence of how hopeless we feel.
Sometimes people in our lives are trying to reach out and help us but we withdraw into our shells. We doubt their intentions and don’t trust their words.
We dismiss their sincerity by saying – He is nice to everyone. She is just being encouraging. It’s just flattery. I should not get carried away by their words. Chane ke jhaad pe nahi chadhna hai.
Then our inner dialogue are sentences that are repeated on loop – He said this. I am upset. How could she? After all that I had done..Our inner landscape is so full of these conversations that we need to find the space to reach out to the loving voice that is ever present in us, that loving voice which we would rather, come from the outside.
Whether that loving voice of a friend comes or does not, our self-mastery involves increasing the volume of our own loving voice, softening the harshness, smoothening the tone.
As a loving, powerful, wise friend, you can lay out the facts about the situation and tell yourself – Yes, you are hurting from what has happened. It ‘s unfortunate that the relationship has taken an ugly turn.
I am always here for you.
I love you and accept you as you are.
You are acceptable. You are lovable. You are powerful.
Maybe some changes are required but we can do it like we always have, slow and steady, bit by bit effort.
Maybe you overstepped the line. It would be right to apologise.
We have to note that our loving voice of a friend neither smothers nor mollycoddle us neither excuses our excessive laziness nor justifies our indiscipline.
This loving voice of the friend is objective, alive to functional reality and functions from the fullness of heart.
The Yoga sutras also teach us
Sutra 1.33- maitri karuNA muditopekShANAm sukha duHkha puNyApuNyaviShayANAm bhAvanAtaH cittaprasAdanam;
that the mind becomes purified and peaceful by cultivating maitri – friendliness, karuna – compassion, mudita – gladness, a neutrality towards happiness and sorrow, punya and paapa.
Self mastery in the light of Yoga and Vedanta makes you more friendly, compassionate and cheerful not less.
In the familiar shloka that is chanted as a part of the guru stotram and also indicating our attitude to Bhagavan we say –
Tvam eva bandhu Sakhaa tvameva
To show our seeking refuge, we say to Bhagavan and sometimes the guru – you alone are my friend, my closest person.
If we have the blessing of a guru and a deepening relationship with Bhagavan, then to invoke the loving voice, we think of how our guru or best friend would talk to us and imitate her for a while.
In time the love and care shown to us will integrate with your own loving, kind voice which will become spontaneous for us.
Some of you ask – am I not creating duality? No, the duality exists anyway, you are just trying to make it pleasant and reduce the sense of fragmentation within yourself.
As you continue to cultivate sakhi or sakha bhaava, in time you will find that it has become your voice.
Others will start to notice and find you ever encouraging, supportive and positive.
And then maybe you can share the story of your love and everlasting friendship with yourself.
