#148 Projection in relationships

Many years ago when I was studying Vedanta in the gurukulam, one of the things I revelled in, was to do namaskar to Pujya Swamiji. After every class our guru Pujya Swamiji would leave and return to his cottage. We would rush there so that we could personally touch his feet. It was a ritual I looked forward to. Nobody had asked us to do this. In fact some people would wonder why we would do this as we had just done a joint namaskar to him in class a few minutes ago. In any case, I looked for ways to express my adoration and gratitude to him and bending over, with knees on the floor and the body bending over with my forehead on the floor, touching his feet gave me great joy. It is a cultural expression of reverence in India and also in some Eastern traditions. There would be a stream of people who would also do their namaskaars. Sometimes Pujya Swamiji would look up, acknowledge with his eyes, nod slightly. Sometimes he would say a few words and sometimes he would have a cup of tea or dictate a letter to his Secretary. In addition to the teaching I valued his acknowledgement of me. Once it so happened that after doing namaskaara I looked up to meet his eyes and Pujya Swamiji looked displeased. I was stunned and quickly got up as there were a lot of other people waiting to meet him. My mind spun into a whirlwind of possibilities – Did I do something wrong? Why is he upset with me? If he is upset with me, why did he not tell me? I could not focus on the Sanskrit class thereafter.         

Almost in tears at having upset Pujya Swamiji, I asked one of his support staff if she knew about why he was upset with me. This friend said – Don’t project. Pujya Swamiji is in a lot of pain because of the dialysis procedure and so he has barely been smiling today.

I was sad to know that he was in so much pain but also relieved that it was not me.  The reason for my sadness then which was resolved in a day was my projection on Pujya Swamiji.

Projection is a psychological term and an unconscious process that we often resort to.

In projection we associate fictional qualities with another person.

What is unacceptable in oneself is attributed to others so that one can protect oneself from one’s unacceptable thoughts.

One externalises the thoughts and makes many assumptions about the other.

I was unhappy with the effort I was making in my Sanskrit classes and rather than accept that, unconsciously I attributed ‘being upset’ to Pujya Swamiji. This is an example of projection.  There had been many days that Pujya Swamiji has spoken to me or asked me about something and also many days when he had been too busy to acknowledge. But on that particular day because I was really upset with myself I projected that he was upset with me. 

Projection is very common in relationships particularly close relationships. It shows up in different ways and our objectivity lies in being able to separate fact from fiction or rather functional reality from projection.

Generally in a job some of the markers of satisfaction are a benchmarked salary, conducive work conditions, a good team and opportunities for career development. Suppose I add to this – I want to maximise my full potential and discover myself and then five years later I am experiencing burn out. Is the job responsible for my burn out or is my projection about what the job would do for me, responsible? Clearly, I am attributing to the job what it cannot give me – lasting fulfilment and self discovery. In fact no job can give you that.

We often think that our problem is our expectations and hence the simplistic unthinking fantasy is that I will not have any expectations from anybody. This is a hurt mind speaking.

Expectations are not a problem but our projections which are unrealistic expectations, can be a problem.

Other examples of projection are thinking that your partner is cheating on you because you are not willing to admit your attraction and flirtatious behaviour with colleagues in the office. Because you cannot admit to yourself that what you are doing is not acceptable, you project that behaviour onto your partner.

We project all the time on our partners. Earlier your partner was just meant to be a partner, not your best friend, lover, confidante, parent, baby, teacher all rolled into one at the exclusion of all other relationships. It is no wonder that romantic relationships are breaking up at the seams of our projections and unrealistic expectations of what all a relationship is meant to give us.

Fulfilment at all times, in all places and all situations can only come from discovering your true nature as the very fullness that you are.

To expect that from any person or situation or condition is a projection.

We are in touch with reality when we recognise our projections for what they are.

Even a guru-shishya relationship is not free of projection.         

The purpose of a guru – shishya relationship is the teaching of Vedanta. This involves the student developing trust in the guru and having a fondness and respect. This is natural and healthy and serves as a relational container within which a shraddha for the teaching develops and learning takes place. But sometimes the teaching is unconsciously kept aside by the student as she starts to project on the teacher. Let me give you an example of projection and how it was resolved.

Meeta, a 35 year old business professional was a high achiever. She grew up with a critical mother and an almost absentee father. Meeta as a child longed to hear words of approval and appreciation but these words never came. All that she heard from her mother was – Your sister is better than youin school, in sports, in everything. You have to match up to her.

Meeta was happy to get away from her mother after marriage. As the anxiety creeped up on her in her hectic job, she chanced upon a Bhagavad Gita class and joined it out of curiosity. Meeta really liked the teacher and found the teachings helpful in understanding the ways of the mind and so on. A few months later she got involved in the volunteering team. All was fine but she found that the teacher was appreciative of other volunteers but did not praise her enough. Initially she shrugged it off. Then, unaware of it herself, she started scrutinizing the teacher’s words and actions and started comparing the teacher ‘s behaviour with other volunteers and herself. Even in the classes she looked for clues and signs to see if the teacher was looking adequately at her, acknowledging her etc. She was convinced after a few weeks that the teacher was critical, partial, not authentic and it was time for her to leave. She could not make sense of her emotional state – she loved the teacher and the teaching but felt very hurt by the teacher ‘s behaviour.

The teacher sensed Meeta’s disturbance and asked her what the matter was. All her thoughts and confusion came tumbling out. Meeta started crying and asked in a child like voice – Why do you look down on me? You never praise me. The teacher had understood by now that Meeta was projecting a mother figure onto her and so in a kind welcoming tone asked, ‘ Who do I remind you of’ Meeta immediately said – My mother. You are just like her. Very accomplished but critical of me. The teacher recalled the different incidents where she had indeed praised Meeta but Meeta had been dismissive of the praise. On the one hand, Meeta sought praise but when it came her way, she was dismissive of it. Meeta realized that her perception of herself and the teacher needed to be reviewed. The teacher helped Meeta see that there was unfinished business in her life. Unfinished business is another psychological term which refers to our repressed and unmet needs or difficult memories which need to be processed and seek completion. The magical thing about all processes in this world is a move towards homeostasis – a dynamic balance. Even difficult situations from our past which have been processed are now integrated into our learning and don’t bother us anymore.  

Meeta was carrying the burden of longing for words of praise and appreciation from her mother since childhood. She had internalized her mother’s voice of criticism and was very hard on herself despite her many achievements. Although she had moved away from the mother, the longing for validation coupled with the critical voice travelled with her, wherever she went. The teacher explained that to some extent her words of appreciation would help Meeta. But more than getting appreciation Meeta needed to see that she was lovable and worthy of all appreciation. No conditions attached.    As the adult Meeta who was loving, wiser, more experienced she needed to process the memories of childhood. Meeta had to heal herself and meet what still remained unmet.

Processing would involve acknowledging what happened, what was experienced, the influences in the mother and her own life, the meaning given to the experiences and acting upon what is unfinished. This may involve seeking to reconnect with the mother or trying to resolve it by writing a letter to the mother about what Meeta wished her mother

had said and done,

what she wished her mother

had not said and not done.

What she wished she herself had said and done and

not said and not done.

By allowing full expression and not suppressing it anymore Meeta was able to come to peace with what had happed and how events in her past had shaped her life. She was able to reach out to her mother and see her as an adult who had grown up with critical paretns and was indeed a product of her background. Meeta was no longer the little child in an adult body who was craving for appreciation but a caring daughter who had grown out of her own childhood pain and was now available to the mother. Meeta could heal the past in the present.

Her relationship with her teacher was also restored. She found that the times she had been upset and angry with her teacher was when she had a set of rules for what the teacher should or should not do. She was inadvertently doing a personality analysis of the teacher rather than focusing on the teaching because the teaching sometimes made her uncomfortable. In the mirror of Vedanta that the teacher held up it was clear to see the situations and people she was resisting. Meeta recognized that her progress in learning would be aided by giving the benefit of doubt to the teacher and clarifying doubts and questions. She realised that closeness with the guru cannot be mistaken for a deeper understanding of Vedanta. Her viveka was truly growing. She could relax in the light of her objectivity and her learning could become deeper, free from obstacles.   

Vedanta helps us see the absolute reality. How? By showing us that what we thought was reality might well have been our projection. Adhyaasa – atasmin tad buddhi. Seeing what is not there. There are two types of adhyaasa –

The first is shobhana adhyaasa meaning a projection of beauty. The classic example is mistaking a shell on the beach for glittering silver and hence pravrtti, a going towards it.

 The second is ashobhana adhyaasa meaning a projection of non beauty or rather fear. The classical example is mistaking a rope lying on the ground for snake and hence nivrtti, moving away from it due to fear.

We mistake something for something else because of our ignorance. Since functioning in the world involves quick decisions we end up projecting and making many assumptions about people. It is ok if one is willing to correct oneself in the light of new information.

But the question is why do we project? Because of ignorance. The subjective value that we give things, people and situations is because we have ignorance about them. We are seeking fullness in them.

Our own fullness that is not discovered is being projected onto things and situations.

No wonder we fall for all the lines in movies which say – You complete me. You are my world. And so on. The truth is that You as the limitless being are indeed the fullness you seek.

And it all starts with being a pro at shining the light on your projections which quietly slip into the shadows.