#155 Is the pursuit of moksha self-centred?
If you have watched videos on Vedanta or attended Vedanta classes, soon enough, someone will say – You are giving up your family time on a Saturday evening to attend a class. How can you be so selfish? What good is this moksha pursuit? Is it bringing food on the table? Is it helping feed hungry people? Even if you get moksha it is only for you. Then it seems like is a selfish pursuit. You will stop in your tracks and wonder if indeed the pursuit is selfish. And the answer is Yes and No.
The pursuit of Vedanta or non-duality is a paramapurushartha the ultimate pursuit. Why so? Because through all our seeking through Artha, wealth based security, Kama, pleasure based security and Dharma, reaching out activities we seek to be happy, adequate and secure, as one without any sense of lack. All human pursuits are for the self and selfishness is quite natural to most of us. Then, what is the self that we are selfish/self centred about?
If one defines the self as the limited body mind sense complex, then we call it the ahankara, self concept. We seek to elevate, enhance and embellish the ahankara in different ways. If any judgment is made about us that is unfavourable we react. Suppose I say ‘fool’ pointing towards you..there will be far more reaction than if it is directed towards the politician. Infact you might feel like we can now have a conversation because we have similar opinions. How about these statements – You are looking older now…Your sister is more smarter than you…You are quite boring to be with..I wish you had more energy and enthusiasm..watch what happens. You want to definitely turn off this podcast. Some may experience discomfort in the stomach or chest as it might remind them of similar statements uttered in the past.. some don’t internalize it and are curious to know where she is going with all this.
Taking care of the ahankaara is a natural expression of being self centred. If I am self centred, what is important to me – what feels good to me..what I need and what I want.. When it comes to the world, I am only concerned with how decisions, events or circumstances will affect me. Pleasure is all about my needs, my rights and who is able to offer that for me. Only those people are my friends whom I can count on for any help. If they need help, I will see if I have the time. Only those modalities of spirituality I seek which make me feel good and elevated. Dharma for me is that which serves me and my interests. It is natural to have fear of anything that threatens my identity because it is a limited identity.
An extension of this self-centredness is mamakara, meaning sense of ownership – all that is connected to me and is mine. While playing with the 4 year old, try saying that the toys in front of her are yours and she will squeal saying Mine. We too are the same. My house, my favourite possessions, my partner, my child. This mamakara can surface in an ashram too. I remember attending a retreat in Rishikesh years ago. I walked in a few minutes before the class to take a seat and to my surprise all the seats in the front rows had books kept on them to reserve seats. I lifted one book and sat there. A woman walked upto me in a huff and said – This is my place. You cannot sit there.
‘Your place.’
‘Yes, I took the effort to reserve my place and kept a book and you very conveniently lifted it.’
‘Ok, how about you sit here for today and then I can sit here tomorrow? Now it has become my place.’
I bantered, ‘We are all visitors here for 1 week. How about we change seats by rotation?’
‘We will see’ and she dismissed me.
A further extension of ahankara and mamakara is our ragas and dveshas. All the favourable objects and people which bring me happiness – from my kind of coffee to my kind of people to my favourite shows to how I believe people should be. Naturally if all these ragas are present, dveshas cannot be too far behind. I have subconsciously divided my world into that which is favourable and that which irritates me and is best avoided – milky coffee, loud, crass people to those horror shows etc. Either there is pravrtti – going towards what is desired or nivrtti- running away from. And life goes on.
As is obvious, most of us are self centred.
We are focused on the limited notion of the self, have the sense of mamakara, sense of ownership and are affected by ragas and dveshas. Imagine the annual day of School. Ramayana the story of Rama is going to be staged. Your son is going to play Hanuman. You even ask your son – please tell me when your role will begin. I will come then. You coordinate your schedule accordingly. When you reach the auditorium you find that parents are walking in and walking out. Some cheer only for their children and are busy taking pictures and short videos glowing with pride and pointing to the other parents – see my son there..see how beautiful my daughter looks. And then it strikes you – Most of the parents were not interested in the Annual day. They including you were only concerned with their son/daughter or grandchild who was present in a particular scene, playing a particular role for a few minutes. That explained why the parents were walking out after their children’s scenes were over. Towards the end of the play, there were only 10 people left in the audience. Were the other children and their roles not equally important? To the extent that our ahankara is a limited idea of self we cannot avoid having mamakara, sense of ownership and are affected by ragas and dveshas.
Then what about the moksha pursuit?
Because it is an enquiry into the self concept, it seems like it takes some time and attention and may seem self centred.
One wakes up to the helplessness, anger and frustration one causes oneself because of ahankara, mamakara and raga dveshas.
As we proceed in the enquiry, we see that our idea of our self as this limited person is because of ignorance. I don’t know who I am.
What is associated with me, I take to be mine and then struggle to retain what is mine.
What indeed is mine?
My body – It is sustained by the elements and will soon return to dust.
My mind? If it was really mine, I could control it. But I cannot.
My partner..less said the better.
My work..all capacities are given to me…
Then the body-mind has been given to me according to the law of karma by Bhagavan.
Enquiry into myself reveals that all that I am is given to me but I claim it to be as I.
The enquiry into I helps me see that I am pervaded by the laws of nature which are presided over by Bhagavan.
The ahankara can relax in a new found objectivity and learn the sweetness of surrender.
A deeper enquiry reveals that the ahankara is really the Atma but the individual due to ignorance in denial of her true nature had taken herself to be the limited person.
By extension an enquiry into mamakara, the sense of ownership reveals that my son, my family, my work, my unfolding karma are also pervaded by the laws of Bhagavan.
Ahankara and mamakara are dropped the more we see that all that is here is Bhagavan.
Ragas and dveshas are managed by performing karma aligning ourselves to Dharma and recognizing that the results are shaped by the laws of Bhagavan. One abides in a glad acceptance and becomes highly competent in karma aligned with Dharma.
The shastra reveals that I am the Atma, the limitless being in which there is no lack. Whenever the world seems to make me happy it is only my raga and dvesha that create a particular state of mind. In that state my own happiness is evident or manifest like seeing my own reflection in the mirror. The baby sucks its own thumb thinking it is getting mother’s milk. Till the baby is weaned it is attached to the mother, and when the mother is not around it sucks its own thumb. When it sucks, what does it get? It’s own saliva. Saliva is not from the mother but its own body. The baby mistakes it for mother’s milk. And it goes so on sucking. Our state is similar. We mistake the world to give happiness but it is like sucking our own thumb.
To conclude the pursuit of moksha is an enquiry into the self but it is not self-centred. It seems selfish but it is not in the normal sense of selfish which is heavily laden with ahankara-mamakara and raga-dvesha.
The pursuit of Artha, Kama and Dharma can make one more selfish but the pursuit of moksha makes you less selfish.
You are keen to contribute to the grand symphony of Bhagavan that is on and are not obsessed with protecting what is yours.
The self is pervaded by Bhagavan and hence ahankara and mamakara are just functional ideas to live in the world. If you are hungry you will not feed the dog. There is no confusion. You will maintain your home with an understanding of Dharma and will not strike a person off your guest list if the person was not appreciative of your fine taste. Your sensitivity and care for people around you increases as it is no more about me and mine. Ragas and dveshas which seemed to bind you – the coffee must taste this way, my partner should behave exactly like how I want her/him to are all reduced to preferences.
Self ignorance is the problem and the only solution is self knowledge.
As Krishna says in the Gita that a jnani is one who is free from ahamkara, mamakara, and raga-dvesha. Sure, if you talk to her, she won’t look over your shoulder..saying that she does not have an ahankara anymore..she understands ahankara to be a costume of a human being worn for functioning which is not absolutely real. Sure, she will wear her own clothes and not steal the neighbours clothes in the airy- fairy notion that all is one. If she grew up eating idli dosa it is likely that she will prefer that for breakfast and not dripping chole bhature.
Much like one’s svarupa, one ‘s life is free from limiting conditions.
The pursuit is of freedom and one’s life too is a life of freedom.
