#188 Is it possible to live a life of no expectation?

Is it really possible to have a life of no expectations?

If you expected a reply to the question, you do have an anticipation, an expectation. 

Expectations are very exciting because expectations are indicative of possibilities, of possibilities becoming probabilities or even realities.  

Expectations are the stuff of hope and optimism.

During your youth, the stride in your step and the enthusiasm in your outlook came from your expectations. You looked forward to life and all that life had to offer.

Expectations are not really a problem. They play a role in all our transactions.

When you buy your groceries online or offline, you expect and rightly so that good quality goods will be delivered to you. 

When you eat at a restaurant you rightfully expect that the quality of food, ambience and service will be good.

You expect that the sun will rise, the air will move, the roads will not give way. The certainty and predictability of phenomena around us give rise to expectations that are natural. As you can see, it is impossible to live a life with zero certainty or to live a life of no expectations. 

When you are relating to your family members or close friends you rightfully expect warmth, support and care through their words and actions? But neither are you consistent in your expression nor are they.

When we find that our expectations are not being met, we are hurt, upset and angry.

Some of us sulk expecting the other person to understand.

Some of us start being sarcastic.

Some of us cajole and persuade and some of us even threaten the other person to meet our expectations. After trying a variety of strategies, when none of it seems to work or our expectations are met only up to a point, then we are exhausted and swing to another extreme.

From a position of having many expectations we now swing to wanting a position of having no expectations. We have associated having expectations with hurt and being let down and of course, no one want to be hurt again and again. 

A desire for something transforms into an expectation.

Bhagavan Krishna in the Bhagavad Gita a dialogue of wisdom says that dharma aviruddha kaamosmi –  I am that desire which is in line with dharma.

What ? I thought desires were the root cause of suffering. No. Only desires that not in line with dharma or obsessive desires create problems. The others are good to have.  In other words, desires and expectations that are in line with universal values are none other than the Lord himself.

So, if we say we should not have desires we are rejecting this manifestation of Ishvara himself and there is no reason to do that at all.

The desire to provide for the family, make the most of your abilities, find a cure for cancer, share your skills, solve a vexing problem at work, are all wonderful desires  to have.

Really speaking, the more appropriate question to ask is

How do I manage my expectations in relationships?

First we need to articulate for ourselves, what the purpose of our relationships is and secondly we need to align our expectations with reality. Then expectations are a privilege and not a burden.

 What is the purpose of our relationships? A tough question and most people I have asked this question to, struggle with it.

Anyway, for most of us, the purpose of our relationships with family members is to love, offer finances, care and support and also receive love, care and support and other things for our life. We want to experience the joy of being there for them and the joy of fulfilling our responsibilities.

There will be limited time with family members and the level of closeness with each will be different. There will also be many misunderstandings, some fights and arguments which may lead family members to drift apart or may actually pull them closer together.

However your relationships are, Can your relationships with family members solve the human problem of limitation, finitude and the individual journey of the person from birth to death?

Can your relationships with family members solve your search for the infallible, the one that is capable of no fault, the infallible that is God?   Your search for perfection?

Can your relationships always take care of your emotional security, especially if you insist on emotionally being Daddy’s little girl or if you insist on being Mamma’s little boy? Someone who is emotionally still a child and needs taking care of and gets hurt at the slightest of issues?

Can your relationships with family members offer you total fulfillment at all times, in all situations and all places?

The answer is No to the above, irrespective of how wonderful your family is.

This can be a great relief because now you are more realistic about what relationships can give you and what they cannot give you. And hence you can truly enjoy them.

The human search for freedom from inadequacy is not met by constant reassurance from another person about the fact that you are lovable and acceptable, three times a day.

The human search is essentially a spiritual search and will come to an end only in the discovery of yourself as the limitless being and hence free from any lack. But relationships are necessary and essential for a relative sense of security and fulfillment.

The Vedic tradition looks at all relationships as a matrix of karma, a matrix of blessing. The people in our lives are a blessing, an opportunity for us to grow in our maturity as we perform our dharma. The more our relationships are based on dharma, the more they offer great fulfillment which is relative.

The Vedic tradition encourages us to relate with joy, responsibility and not withdraw from relationships. This way of relating frees us from extreme dependence and helps us discover a healthy interdependence as well as a relative freedom from inadequacy.   

The Vedic tradition recognises that only when we experience relative fulfillment we are ready for total fulfillment that is moksha that is our true nature. In fact even the wife is referred to as a dharma patni, the one who helps the husband uphold and follow dharma.

To recognise that relationships cannot give us moksha as they are limited in nature, frees us from our unrealistic expectations.

We stop burdening relationships from our projection of moksha and focus our search for moksha by exposure to the shastra. 

We start aligning our expectations with reality.

We start to see that every role has a tentative script and if the person is more or less following the script. Things work out well. There is always scope to ask for what more you want or what less do you want. No script is cast in stone and expectations are dynamic. They are met sometimes and they are not sometimes. You win some, you lose some. And that is fine!

When we are realistic about our expectations from people, We start to  accept people as they are, knowing that each person has experienced a unique set of situations that have contributed to his or her personality today. Maybe person is not expressive because while growing up, the person was never asked about his opinion or asked to shut up whenever he spoke. And this happened so often that the person withdrew into a shell. Can I have an expectation that this person should become more expressive? Sure I would like the person to be more expressive but given his background, I see that he cannot be otherwise unless he makes the effort to change.  Maybe I can make the effort to draw him out of his shell. Maybe I make the effort to accept him.

On a lighter note, How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? And the answer is none. The light bulb must want to change.

When we are realistic about the purpose of our relationships and our expectations, we start to accommodate the fact that people are free to make choices, to be unpredictable in their behavior and not be consistent, just like us.

We start to accommodate the fact that all people have their own complicated histories and are trying to do their best in any given situation

As we do this more and more, Xpect magically metamorphoses into accept. When you accept you see things as they are. Here acceptance is not resignation or a position of helplessness but on the contrary, your acceptance of another person is a position of strength.

You are so strong that you are not afraid of facing facts.

You are so strong that you can handle different situations.

You are so strong that you stop resisting facts about yourself and others.

You are so strong that you enjoy seeing the realities of situations and do not need to hide from facts.  

You are so strong in your position of acceptance that you are free to expect and you enjoy what is done.

You expect and you accept what is done as well as what is not done.

You know that the realities of the situation are shaped by the laws of nature, laws that are presided over by a deep intelligence that abides in the limitlessly intelligent being. The Being that is Ishvara.  

Your expectations, your resistances of yourself and others, your acceptance of others, your struggles and your sweet victories are all pervaded by the emotional framework of principles pervaded by Ishvara.

You no longer expect that your life can be led without expectations. In fact you enjoy your expectations and see how Ishvara helps you in fulfilling them, not fulfilling them or fulfilling your expectations differently.

You learn to dance with your own karma.  You are in harmony.