#196 If the Atma, I is unknown how can there be a desire to know oneself?

A question often asked in Vedanta is,

How can there be a desire for the Atma if it is not known?

For instance, if I don’t know of a fruit called mango that grows in tropical countries, would I even want it?

The heart can only desire what the mind knows.

But we experience a desire to know oneself. It starts in the cradle when as children we sucked our fingers. We began to sense the scope of movements and sensations across our bodies. We want to make sense of who we are which continues in adulthood in different pursuits – in conversations, in brands, in pop culture quizzes, astrological readings, past life regression analysis or just in introspection. The desire to know oneself is something one cannot give up, unlike other desires. 

If the Self, the Atma was totally unknown, there is no motivation to want to know either…One is managing quite well on one’s own. Thank you very much.  

On the other hand, if the self was totally known, there would be no confusion about who I really am and one would live a life of complete freedom.

Then, where are we in the matter of knowing?

The Self, Atma is partially known.

I know I am. I do not know what I am.

Hence whatever I am associated with, I mistake it to be I.

About the self that exists, that is self-evident, svatah-siddhah, there is ignorance

The good news is -Since the self, Atma is partially known, it can be completely known which is also referred to as Moksha.

Self-Knowledge is not the acquiring of new knowledge – I am Satchidananda but the removal of ignorance.   

Self-Knowledge is the removal of erroneous conclusions based on body-mind.

Self-knowledge is I am the limitless being and not the limited entity earlier thought of.

Before we get to know what I am, the question is how do I know I am?

If I ask you, do you exist? You will smile at my silly question and dismissively say,

Of course I exist.

How do you know? Do you see, hear, taste, smell, touch your existence?

No..I exist and only then can use my senses to see, hear, taste, smell and touch.       

I am independent of my senses.

Are you out of your senses?

I could be in my senses or out of my senses..I still am. 

‘I am’ always is.

What I am, How I am seems to change.

Even an amoeba has a sense of I am as it tries to engulf what it feeds on. The amoeba does not have language to assert I am and does not need to do that either. But there is no confusion of ‘I am’

‘I am’ is self-evident. Other things become evident and known to I.

The environment around oneself, types of knowledge become known to me.

Even the different sensations, thoughts and emotions become known to me. As you walk up to the temple, the cold granite floor below your feet, the ringing of the temple bells, the fragrance of incense and fresh flowers, the beautifully carved temple pillars, all of the sensations become evident to you.

I conclude like Descartes, I think..therefore I am. He later corrected it to what is correct. I am therefore I can think and even doubt the earlier statement.

Between two thoughts, in deep sleep or in samadhi or in dream, one is not actively thinking. One still exists.     

Am I a self-evident conscious being because of a process I undertook?

Do I exist because I am a son/daughter, parent, partner, work professional?

No. I am and therefore all roles and relating is possible.

I the conscious being does not seem to change as it picks up and drops different conditions. From I am single to I am married to I am single to It is complicated.     

Do I exist because of my gender?

I am independent of my gender. I was born in one gender and choose to identify oneself that way or differently.

I am independent of all my experiences.

Did I become self-evident as the culmination of a process – perhaps some tirthayatra, pilgrimage or chanting of special mantras or after yoga teacher’s training course?

No.

Did I become self-evident after I completed the study of the prasthanatraya – the Bhagavad Gita, Upanishads, Brahmsutras?

No. I am and therefore all study is possible.  

Do I exist because of the different kinds of experiences that I have been through?

That I am a conscious, unchanging being does not depend on any mantra or  being able to twist my body into a yoga asana.

That I am a conscious, unchanging being does not depend on any energy transfer or my intention or any of my pursuits.

That I am a conscious, unchanging being does not depend on my nationality or the language I speak or where I live.  

That I am a conscious, unchanging being does not depend on the condition of my body and mind which are mere instruments to be used by me.

I am invariable as changes happen around me. If I was subject to change, I could not and would not be conscious of the many changes around me.

That I am a conscious, unchanging being does not depend on anything, even Ishvara.

That I am aware of everything what does that say about me?

I am a self-revealing, self-evident being – svatah prakaashah, svatah siddhah and everything becomes known to me.

Being is equal to Knowing.

This I, illumines everything. Much like the sun that shines independent of what it is associated with. It is the nature of the sun to shine and does not have to borrow light. The sun shines equally on the mountains as well as the deep valleys.   

I the self-evident, conscious being shines and make known all experiences. Everything is known because I am pure being.

If the Atma was totally unknown, I would have no desire to know myself. If the Atma was totally known, I would live in freedom.   

But the Atma is partially known. And all of Vedanta rests on I, the self-evident, the self-illumining being that shines the light on everything.

This week, as we decorate the row of lights, Deepavali to welcome the homecoming of Bhagavan Rama to Ayodhya, we come home to ourselves.

I am the light that lights up all names and forms.

Happy Deepavali!