#197 Dialogue between Devi Kali and the Ahankara
The ahankara was preening and fussing about all that is I, me and mine. As the firecrackers were bursting in the neighbourhood, she was getting ready to worship Mahalakshmi. The red sari with gold border was draped beautifully and her jewellery was sparkling. She knew she was looking her best and as is common, she was smiling a lot more, conscious of her appearance. She joined her hands to pray to Mahalakshmi mentally going through her list – Devi, may the stock market do well, may I get a good bonus this year, may we go on more vacations, may we have enough for retirement ..you know how the rate of inflation is going up..may the health of the family especially parents be fine…And Mahalakshmi if I have forgotten anything you please remember to give me more…she looked lovingly at her distracted family cajoled to come atleast for the aarti. Mahalakshmi – please bless all of us. After receiving the aarti, she said – ok time for a picture. Right profile.. smile everyone… I will forward on our whatsapp group and you can post on Instagram.
As the rest of the family drifted away into their rooms, she opened the drawer to put her book back. Her eyes chanced upon a picture of Devi Kali. She knew that Devi Kali was also worshipped during Deepavali but she had kept away.
Things were different now as she was in bathed in a warm, receptive glow after the puja. She allowed her eyes to look at Devi Kali. Suddenly Kali spoke – Why have you kept away from me?
The ahankara was shocked – Maybe I am imagining.
Kali repeated herself – Why have you kept away from me?
The ahankara said – I am scared of you.
Ah, so you like sweet, kind, benevolent forms not someone like me.
The ahankara meekly says – No..Not like that. Oh..how can I be fearless?
Kali says – Hmm..your ragas and dveshas cause fear in you. Whatever you love, you imagine losing it. How will you live without that thing or the person? Now you are afraid.
Then whatever you dislike and want to avoid like death, diseases and taxes are hovering around you..no wonder you live in fear all the time..
You can be fearless if you are less identified with your form. But your whole life revolves around – I like this..I like that ..I hate this …I hate that… You cannot hold onto your ragas and dveshas and still be fearless.
In fact my name is also Chamunda because I destroyed Chanda and Munda standing for raga and dvesha. Ragas and dveshas can be converted into preferences. Instead of I cannot do without ….say I would prefer to not do without …..I can handle anything. Say that and I, Kali am with you.
Perhaps you are also scared of my long red tongue. I use the tongue to swallow the countless desires you have. Just like Raktabija, the asura destroyed by me in Devi Mahatmyam. He was given a boon that if a drop of blood fell to the earth, another Raktabija will emerge and one will have to keep fighting these emerging forms. So, I just kept swallowing his blood as he was being attacked such that no more of his forms could appear. You, ahankara and your countless desires are just like that. You fulfil one desire. Then one more appears. All this for the sake of feeling complete but fullness is nowhere in sight.
The ahankara is beginning to feel threatened now – Can you speak more about your form, which we meditate on.
Kali knew that the ahankara was dodging the discomfort and continued in her compassion –
I am shown as having loosened, disheveled tresses of hair reaching my feet just to show the depths of creation and my all knowledge. My wide gaping mouth tears into all your internal enemies such as binding desire, anger, greed, confusion, pride, jealousy (moha, mada, matsarya). The severed heads in my hands also indicate the same thing.
The ahankara asks – Did you say you will tear into me? My self-esteem is very fragile. I have worked very hard on building it through my self-care routines.
Kali says – You are too obsessed with your self and this self-esteem. It is all about – what I think..what I feel..what I desire..what I want..what I don’t want..what I need..what I do..
Have you thought for a moment about where all your shaktis have come from? All of it is from me, Devi shakti.
The ahankara says – But I am making the most of the shaktis given to me.
Kali says – Even that shakti to use your shaktis is mine. You know the skulls around my neck and chest indicate the letters and sounds of the Sanskrit alphabet and their various śaktis and mātṛkās that are invoked by the pronunciation of the alphabet. The skulls or rather death indicates that I am Kaala, Time itself and I devour everything. All creation comes from me and is sustained by me.
My body is shown as pulsating to indicate time, signifying the events to come and also reminding you of the time gone past. Sucking up the blood shows the transformation of the physical forms into the panchamahabhutas – earth, water, fire, air and space. I bring about the transformation of the organic matter to the base elements of fire, air, water, ether and earth.
The ahankara ‘s breathing has become easy and she says – I feel a lot more relieved and can relate to you.
Kali says – Good. I permeate you. My form is shown as adorned with bangles made of nerves and veins, taken from dead corpses and a waist band of braided locks of hair derived from corpses. This is just to show that I am present in your blood, veins and every nerve of our body. I am present inside and outside the body. The more you identify with me, and less with your small ahankara, you will be happier.
I am present in all forms. Acknowledging that you are fully infused with my shakti will help you in your moksha pursuit.
Kali teasingly asks – Are you ready for me to destroy your ahankara?
The ahankara is thinking – Oh my God…oh my God..why did I even initiate this conversation?
What do I have to do?
Kali says – Just surrender to me.
Trust that you are completely blessed.
Trust that you will know whatever there is to be known.
Trust that I will take care of all the obstacles that you see in your path.
My various weapons indicate different actions to take care of the Creation including you. My sword slashes your ego – the obsession with I,
My trishula, the trident show the three gunas – sattva, rajas and tamas. You can be aware of the gunas, play with them and also see that you are ever free from them so that so you can see my svarupa.
My chakra cuts through the difficult obstacles and helps you.
The elephant goad controls your toughest obstacles, as well as calms the intensity of emotions, that may overwhelm you, at times.
The mala is the means of attaining my grace through mantra japa and meditation. I do not tire in my efforts of transformation.
I continue to destroy the adharma based forces that have taken a seat in you and prevent you from seeing the truth.
My noose brings back those who are obsessed with the material world back to its spiritual reality.
The axe cuts through enemies. The snake represents the inherent and dormant Kuṇḍalini shakti that is awakened by my grace.
The bow pairs up with the arrows in inducing love, passion and helps in procreation. The hammer shapes the terrain and helps with the Sustenance. The jackal cub is for scavenging the dead organic matter and its transformation to the natural elements. The skull with the organic matter shows the continuous life and death cycle, which is the law of karma.
I am infinite and cannot be clothed literally.
I am also subtle.
I am Chaitanyam, consciousness.
Kali says – Allowing me to slash your ego is for you to see that the ahankara does not have an independent existence.
I pervade you.
The ahankara bent down with devotion and in that instant Kali had one more head of pride and fear in her hands as she laughed.
In the place of the ahankara were the shining, blessed eyes of a devotee, bhakta.
Om shri kaalikayai namaha
