#224 Runa-anubandha – Karmic debt and freeing oneself
Why does he/she trigger me so much? Why does this person come back again and again into my life?
Why am I so dependent on this person?
What are the lessons to be learnt in this relationship? Why can I not break free from this relationship?
The answer lies in this shloka in the Vedic tradition.
runānubandha rūpeṇa paśu patnī sutālayaḥ
runākṣaye kṣayayānti tatra kā paridevanā
Cattle, wife, children, and home are the result of previous birth bondage.
Once the debt is exhausted, what suffering can be there?
Our partner, children, home and cattle/pets are not only intricately connected to us, we have a karmic rnam, a karmic debt to these people. We owe them and they owe us.
Runaanubanda is unique to the Vedic tradition because it considers connections with different beings across lifetimes.
Runam/Rnam, debt is based on the principle of reciprocity – a mutual give and take.
If I have taken more than I have given, I incur a debt and have to pay back to that person. If I have given more than I have taken, then that person has to pay back his/her debt to me.
It is a dynamic reciprocity, a mutual give and take that is the foundation of Dharma. As we uphold Dharma, a harmonious and dynamic balance is maintained which moves the society forward.
All of us understand Dharma instinctively. We want to be accepted and cared for. The other wants to be accepted and cared for. We don’t want to be hurt, cheated or insulted. The other too does not want to be hurt, cheated or insulted. Although we understand this at a deeply intimate level, we don’t always behave with the wisdom of Dharma. Hence we incur rnam, debt. If the rnam is not paid back, it carries forward.
Rnam becomes a bondage when there is imbalance in my relationships. Perhaps I need to give more or receive more which affects me and others and keeps me bound.
The shloka says that we have rna-anubandha with our children, partner, pets and home. Let’s consider Rnam with our children and as children of our parents.
Rnam with our children – A human child is completely helpless and cannot be up and running like a calf of a cow can, in a few weeks. The human child has to be cared for, fed, burped, cleaned, clothed etc. The growing child is then taught, cared for during illnesses, sent to school, enrolled in hobby classes, provided for in many ways. The process of growth continues for a long time, even legally until the child is an adult. The parents or the caregivers care for and provide the child necessities and comforts, with many sacrifices, big and small of time, money and effort over a long period. Even if the child smiles, humors the parents and is obedient in the sense of cooperating with the parents, the relationship of the child with the parent remains one sided.
The child has been more of a receiver than a giver. The growing child is more of a consumer than a contributor. The balance is lopsided and tilted. This grown adult now has pitr rnam, a debt towards his parents and ancestors.
To restore the balance, the grown adult has to do two things – look after his parents to the extent they need especially during their old age and also to have children of his/her own. The principle of reciprocity is upheld both by extending care to the caregiver as well as by taking the generation forward.
If one does not have children of one’s own, the rnam is paid by being a caregiver to a niece or nephew or friend’s children or even working in a home for disadvantaged children.
It is likely that the parents of this person may have been his/her children in a previous lifetime or closely related, that in this lifetime too, there is a close bond of child and parent.
If this pitr rnam is not paid in this lifetime by ensuring care for parents and having children, then blessings from the parents are restricted or not available. Some of us may experience parents who were predominantly neglectful and have hurt us. It is very likely that in the previous lifetime we have hurt them deeply and we are being paid pack through our own karma because of our mutual rnam which must be paid back – they could not help but be nasty to us and we could not help but go through experiences of hurt and neglect. The cycle of rnam is broken when we uphold duty towards one another.
When do we know that the rnam is paid back?
When there has been a mutual fulfilment of duty towards each other and/or there is death or separation. The goal of the relationship has been fulfilled such that no ragas and dveshas remain..there is no longing that you meet the person again nor is there a dvesha, strong aversion that you want to avoid the person. There is only love which accommodates the other person. A recognition of this abiding, expanding love is better assimilated through the moksha pursuit.
Rna-anubandha applies to our romantic partners too. There is an experience of déjà vu which we cannot explain. We feel like we know this person for lifetimes even though we have just met the person. Some people we are attracted to, intensely. Clearly there was some exchange in a previous lifetime that was not complete and we have come together in this lifetime to complete our joint journey. Again the karma exchange is fulfilled when we help each other grow enough, to come to the moksha pursuit or there is a separation mutually or by death.
Those who have pets – dogs, cats and cows feel very connected to them. Many I have spoken to, even speak of a past life connection.
And so whether we consider our rnam to our children or to our parents or to our romantic partners or to our pets, a lot of questions arise –
How do I know with whom I have rna-anubandha? All the people who continue to be in your life or who have played an important role in your life.
It is much like a long train journey where you the jiva are travelling from b to d, birth to death. There are many train stations or milestones in life when different people get on the train, travel with you for some time and get off. Some interactions are superficial, some are deep and intense. Everyone’s journey is a different one than yours. Some people will stay longer in your journey like your parents, siblings, partner and children. We stay in each other’s lives as long as the rnam has to be paid through our karma and duty towards the other. But if we get too dependent and entangled and obsessed in our relations we are bound to keep the rnam going through atleast a few lifetimes.
How does rna-anubandha affect me? I feel like I am not in charge of my reactions with the person. I may repeat the same unhelpful patterns of interacting with the person which build my ragas and dveshas. Alternatively, recognizing my rnam, I perform my duties to my best ability. I know fully well, that there is no perfect karma or perfect duty. We do what we can in the given situation and are relatively fulfilled as doers and experiencers. It is this person who can clearly recognize the vision of Vedanta in that I was never the doer nor the experiencer.
How can I be free from rna-anubandha? The rnam must be paid by the people concerned. As a partner, I love, offer support and care for my partner in this lifetime. Sometimes the relationship might not last very long as one of the partners goes against dharma. In this case, we recognize that this person was meant to be in one’s life for a short period of time. Or in a long standing marriage that ends with the partner’s death, I recognize that the journey with the person is complete. There is nothing more to be said or done. There is no more rna-anubandha.
Rnam stops being a bondage through the pursuit of moksha.
I see that I am free from all roles as I continue to play all roles lovingly. Because of some prārabdha contract, we are related to people as husband, wife, children, grandchildren, and so forth. Our relationships are all prārabdha contract-based and last only until the contract runs out, in this lifetime.
Prārabdha refers to one’s karmic account and experiences of sukha and dukkha that one must exhaust in this lifetime. No person is yours although in a moment of love and passion you may say – baby you are mine.
As a devotee, one sees that the only being you are ever connected with, across lifetimes is Bhagavan. The other people across lifetimes may have a rnam for some lifetimes only.
Finally, in a strange way, the understanding of rna-anubandhana frees us, in that we stop avoiding what needs to be done, we embrace our karma and seek to restore the balance in Dharma.
We are more awake to functional reality and can go through experiences cheerfully joining the dots of our karma – known and unknown. We see that the Vedic society was a responsibility based society.
We are awake to all beings that continue to give us such as the devatas that preside over different phenomena including the pancha-mahabhutas. We are awake to the contributions of our Rishis and teachers. We are awake to the delicious nourishment we receive on our food plates everyday through plants. We are awake to so many services available to us through farmers, doctors, lawyers, engineers, architects, helpers, delivery boys, watchmen, security staff, shopkeepers and the list goes on. Sure, we pay them. But that is not an indication of all the value provided by them.
Being awake to all that we receive and are blessed with indicates a rnam which may not be a bandha, bondage. More about this has been covered in the episode on panchamahayajna – our five fold reverential offerings.
We are awake to the intricate web of interconnectedness and feel called upon to make our contribution. After all, balance must be restored.
And it starts and ends with us.
We are grateful. We contribute. The wheels of Dharma keep moving.
