#245 What if I am spiritual and my partner or family is not?

After episode 243 – Life and the purpose of marriage in the Vedic tradition, one of you asked this question –  What if I am spiritual and my partner is not?

Well, the differences between us are not limited to spirituality.

What if I like oranges and you like apples?

What if I like turquoise and you like orange?

What if I like the mountains and you like the ocean?

What if I like Advaita Vedanta and you like Dvaita?

We can co-exist with our differences in harmony just like we enjoy the differences when we walk into a garden and see the shrubs, the trees, the creepers, the plants, the moss on the trees – all different which form a beautiful, vibrant ecosystem.

Even in just 10-15 inches of the length of the human face what an abundance and variety of forms. With just a few mms of differences in the shape of the nose, the jawline, the shape of the eyes, the thickness of the lips, from the Hindus to the Caucasians to the Japanese we all look different. This is the glory of Ishvara Srshti.

As in any area, in spirituality too, that rather vague term there are bound to be differences. Spirituality is an all inclusive term that in recent times, has come to include Meditation, Yoga, Worship, Kirtan, Ayurveda, Chakra Healing, Reiki, Bhakti, Vedanta.   

How one chooses one’s spiritual path really depends on the clarity of the goal and hence the sadhana that helps you get to the goal, the sadhyam.

There can be differences in one’s spiritual path between you and your partner or even family.

But the framework that holds all of us is Dharma.

There cannot be any difference in practicing Dharma.

Dharma is based on reciprocity which is intimately understood by us.

You do not want to be hurt. Your partner does not want to be hurt. This is irrespective of whether you are worshipping Krishna and your partner is worshipping Shiva.

You want to be accepted and accommodated. Your son wants to be accepted and accommodated. This is irrespective of whether you are doing Reiki and your son is singing kirtan.

You do not want to be diminished, insulted or humiliated. Your father too does not want to be diminished, insulted or humiliated. This is irrespective of whether you are following one guru and your father is following another.

You want to experience caring actions and appreciation. Your partner also wants to experience caring actions and appreciation. This is irrespective of whether you are studying Vedanta and your partner is studying Science with no regard for Vedanta.

You want support in challenging situations. Your sister too wants support in challenging situations. This is irrespective of whether you are going to a temple in India and your sister barely goes to temples, while living in the United States.

The truth is that, all spiritual evolution sits on the foundation of Dharma and applies to all, irrespective of whether they have a spiritual pursuit or not.

So what do we do about our differences?

Can we co-exist with mutual respect for each other?

Can we live the values of Dharma every day towards each other?

Differences need not create a problem but we experience differences as problems because differences make us uncomfortable.

Differences are experienced as problems when I believe I am somehow superior to you because of my belief. Hence, I experience a compelling desire to convert you to my belief.

I like oranges and hence you too must like oranges.

I like Advaita Vedanta and you too must like Advaita Vedanta.

Differences challenge our identities especially if we have a raga, binding desire towards our opinions. Naturally a dvesha is lurking in the background and I will become intolerant of someone having a different view.

Vedanta can truly transform oneself hence wishing that more people discover the glory of Vedanta is an absolutely valid desire. This is the reason why Jagadguru wrote the bhashyas and travelled the length and breadth of Bharat establishing the undisputed position of Vedanta.

But just because I see its power does not mean that if others don’t see it they should be looked down upon.

Would I then rather avoid or convert that person just because the other does not like Advaita Vedanta?

What about the practice of Dharma which is the basis for how we want to deal with each other?  

Differences need not challenge me if my ragas and dveshas are held lightly and converted to preferences.  

All of us meet each other on the common ground of dharma.

Mutual respect and accommodation is an integral aspect of Dharma.

Understand – The other is different and that is okay.

You move closer to understanding the person.

My beloved guru, Pujya Swami Dayananda Saraswati ji once said – 

You are free to the extent that you give others the freedom to be.

Giving others freedom to be is not resisting the person.

The freedom that the other has is not yours to give but for you to see –

Anyone is free to be how he or she is.

You have a right to say something only if that person is not allowing you to be. Not because you have a different preference.      

You move closer to accepting the person.

You move closer to accommodating that person and making space for that person’s preferences too.

Your heart and mind expand.

The Vedic tradition talks about oneness of all forms. This is not a melting pot kind of oneness but a salad bowl kind of oneness. In the salad bowl, the carrots and pepper and cheese and cucumber and spices are all different. They do not lose their individuality. Yet their different textures and flavours jointly make the salad enjoyable. The Vedic tradition talks about oneness despite the differences.

Much of the religious wars we see in the world today are because of taking a superior and hence exclusive position. The other religion is then considered inferior and needs to be converted. This kind of thinking has caused havoc in this world and needs to stop.

It all starts with not being able to accommodate differences.

Do take a few moments to see how conflicts have escalated in your life because of your difficulties to deal with differences in the context of Dharma.

Just because your spiritual path is different from someone do you have a right to diminish and be sarcastic to the other totally disregarding the value of ahimsa, non-harming?  

Also do think about how conflicts have reduced in your life because you have learnt to accommodate, enjoy and celebrate differences.

To see the vision of Vedanta we prepare ourselves by learning to accommodate differences within the larger framework of Dharma.

Ramana Maharishi was once asked – How do you deal with the other?

To which he replied – Is there another?