#272 How to stop reacting and start responding
We think that the big decisions shape our lives.
Actually, what we do in simple, ordinary moments shape our lives.
Let ‘s consider
An ordinary, typical day at work – Your team leader makes a presentation to the Vice President of the company. About four of you have worked on the presentation. While presenting, the team leader speaks of everyone’s contribution and skips mentioning you. The presentation goes off very well. Everyone is congratulating the team leader. All you can muster is a sarcastic response, ‘Hey, Thanks for acknowledging my contribution’ and you walk away. Over lunch you blurt out some of her personal secrets that she had shared with you in confidence, with another colleague.
A day later, your team leader comes and apologises to you for skipping your name in the presentation. She was very stressed because she heard about a medical diagnosis that morning before the meeting. You are able to see her point and now regret doing what you did. It is too late as the gossip has spread. You beat yourself up – Why did I react like this?
An ordinary, typical day at home – Your 12 year old has returned from school. Two hours have passed and she is continuously playing games on the I pad. You start shouting – I told you to stop an hour ago. Nobody values what I say. So many sacrifices I have made. I should not have quit my job. And look at you! You have no respect for your mother. Stop this right away.
You are seething with anger and the 12 year old shuts the I-pad and walks out of the room.
Later in the evening as you pass your daughter’s room, you overhear her speaking with a friend, ‘As long as I live in this house, I will have to keep listening to my Mom’s long list of sacrifices. Just so fed up. I just feel like running away’
And you think, ‘The issue was about screen time. Why do I always get triggered when my daughter is not obedient’?
What happened in these two instances is normal. In the work situation and in the home situation you got angry and reacted.
Getting angry is a part of the human condition.
If our expectations are not met, we get angry.
We cannot help but have expectations.
However, the way we express anger and possibly victimise others is a choice.
We find ourselves unable to make the choice because our reaction takes over.
The reaction becomes us.
And then we have regrets. The Taittiriya Upanishad refers to this dilemma.
Kimaham sadhu na akarvam? Why did I not do the right thing?
Kim aham paapam akarvam iti? Why did I do the wrong thing?
In moments that we get triggered, we are not in charge. What is in the unconscious comes up.
While the conscious mind contains all the thoughts, feelings, and memories we acknowledge, the unconscious consists of deeper mental processes which are not readily available to the conscious mind.
Simply put, the unconscious is that aspect of our mind which is not often accessed or known at a conscious level, unless we pay attention to it.
A lot of our impulsive reactions are expressions of pain and anguish that are there in the unconscious. Some buttons get pressed and the reactions just tumble out.
Just like when you press the button ‘on’ for the washing machine, it will start working according to the default setting. Whichever the default setting, ‘quick wash’ or ‘wool’ or ‘delicate’, the washing machine will begin irrespective of the number of clothes, the kind of clothes that you put in the washing machine. A default setting of ‘quick’ may not be appropriate for the set of clothes you wore after an Ayurvedic oil massage. If exercising of choice is required for a simple task like a washing machine, then surely one cannot react in the same way with different people in different situations.
To stop reacting, first we need to know what our default settings are.
Only then we can see where these reactions emerge from, create space and then learn to respond.
A couple of our default settings are
The emotion default: We tend to react to our feelings rather than reasons and facts.
In the first instance of feeling unacknowledged and almost ignored by the team leader, you snapped at the team leader. To almost punish her for what she did, you wanted her to lose face and hence shared her secret.
You were not willing to give her the benefit of doubt. That she did not mention you, was completely unacceptable and she must pay for it.
Yes. Although she could have mentioned everyone ‘s name, she made a mistake. All of us make mistakes.
We are reacting out of our emotions all the time in these ordinary moments of life.
Walking off in a huff, hanging up on people, withdrawing out of hurt, exploding in anger, ruminating endlessly about a difficult conversation.
The ego default: We tend to react to anything that threatens our sense of self-worth or our position.
In the interaction between the mother and daughter over the excessive use of the I pad, the mother felt that in not obeying her, the daughter was challenging her position as a parent. The mother’s frustrations of having given up her career to raise the daughter felt multiplied because the sacrifices she had made were not bearing fruits. And the daughter’s rebellion was only increasing.
Both the Emotion default setting and the Ego default setting are related to the unconscious. The unconscious can be looked upon as a child frozen in time.
Everyone has a child in himself or herself. The child has innocence, freshness, curiosity. The child also has feelings of helplessness, hurt and pain from experiences of childhood that were pushed aside and not expressed. And so, if these have not been processed, the reactions sitting inside just come out and we feel possessed by them.
We are no longer in charge.
Arjuna asked our question which is really an age old question to Bhagavan
अथ केन प्रयुक्तोऽयं पापं चरति पूरुषः।
अनिच्छन्नपि वार्ष्णेय बलादिव नियोजितः।।3.36।।
Translation – Varshneya (Krishna)! Impelled by what, does a person commit paapa, as though pushed by some force even though not desiring to?
The reason for this are expectations or binding desires related to the unconscious, the inner child.
Our lives seem to be controlled by the unconscious – unexpressed fears, desires, dreams, unresolved thoughts and feelings.
The unconscious has to be ventilated and expressed. If you do not try to make the unconscious conscious, it will keep expressing itself without your knowledge.
If the inner child is integrated with the adult, then the person will be expressive and have the freshness and spontaneity of a child as well as a maturity to respond with Dharma.
If the unconscious is processed by acknowledging what one went through, and validating and accepting oneself then we are not driven by the unconscious.
How to know the unconscious?
Some of you say, ‘Bad enough that I am dealing with a variety of problems. Now I have to deal with this invisible thing called the unconscious also’.
Well, it is not so daunting. We need not be an archeologist and go digging unnecessarily.
We work with what we have. All of us have the emotion default setting and the ego default setting.
We create space between us and the reaction.
How? By simply being aware of our reactions of hurt, anger, sadness and other patterns without self-condemnation.
Awareness creates a space of looking at the reaction objectively and enquiring into the background. Things have happened to me which have contributed to an accumulation of hurt or anger. Things have happened to others which also causes them to react in certain ways.
In people ‘s behaviour we recognize that everyone has a background.
In a reaction we just impulsively say or so something, which makes it a one step response – ‘How dare you say that? Abusive words …’
Instead of a one-step response, we try to have a two-step response. With this, you say’ Oh there is a background behind the person’s statement’.
The recognition gives me space. I will not immediately unthinkingly react to the person. This space allows me to pause and offer a two-step response.
Creating the space for a two step response gives you the inner leisure to deal with people of different backgrounds without being ruffled, without being taken for a ride.
You can just step back and look at them with kindness and understanding.
You stop reacting and start responding. How to respond?
Recognise the Law of Karma – Everyone is shaped by the karma, punya and paapa of their life circumstances. Punya has manifested as supportive, favourable situations in one’s life like a decent education, supportive family, access to opportunities. Paapa might have manifested as neglect in the family, break in education, limited or no access to opportunities. While one may not have a choice about certain events in one’s life, going forward, one always has the choice over one’s actions and responses. Karmani eva adhikaarah te.
We need to respond to our own issues. Only then one can respond to the world consciously.
The Law of Karma includes the principles of emotions.
The punya and paapa in one’s life would have given rise to some set of emotions and perhaps the emotion default or the ego default.
Whichever default setting it may be, Karmani eva adhikaarah te.
Choice being there over one’s actions and responses, one exercises the shakti that has been given.
Just like the ant that still moves around with iccha shakti (power to desire), jnana shakti (power to know) and kriya shakti (power to do), while you are jogging in the park, however helpless you feel, you too have all these shaktis at every moment.
We have the ability to respond and not mindlessly react.
You decide that you will not victimize anyone due to your anger. You can help yourself and also ask your family for help. You can say, ‘I am not going to victimize anyone due to my anger’ When I am angry, I will say, ‘I am angry now. I will talk to you later’.
‘If you are angry with me, please say so. When I get angry, please point out to me’. You can ask your children to help you. And your children will do a great job and say
‘ Anger is coming…’
Taking charge of your reactions, you also say, ‘I will respond to the issue at hand and not keep linking it to unresolved issues of the past. I will work with a friend or a counsellor about persistent patterns that need attention. I will pray to Bhagavan to help me resolve this.’
How would one apply responding and not reacting to the team leader? The two step response would acknowledge that you are really upset that she did not mention about your contribution in the project. You give her the benefit of doubt. She might have a reason or it might have slipped her mind. You could just go up to her and say – Great presentation. We all worked really hard for it. I observed that you mentioned everyone who contributed but skipped my name. I have known you to be fair in your dealings. I was surprised that you did so.’ This would give the team leader an opportunity to clarify.
Depending on her response, if you believe that the team leader deliberately did so, you can decide how you want to make sure that your contribution is highlighted in the project report. If it was just a slip of the mind, you can let it go, knowing that it can happen with the best of us.
Since this incident was a reminder of the times from the past, where you felt unseen and unheard and hence not worthy enough, you tell yourself. ‘ I did not feel worthy enough. That was then. This is now. Even then I am worthy. Even now I am worthy. I have a lot of good qualities and the ability to work hard. The fact is that I have made many contributions. It is unfortunate that the people concerned did not see or recognize me. They did so because of their background. I feel and think so because of my background. The facts are different from what I feel. I dwell on the facts and don’t resist my emotions. I welcome all emotions.’
Dwelling on facts will loosen the grip of the emotion default and one will respond to the situation with facts and emotion.
Recognise that the Law of Karma and emotions is pervaded by Bhagavan In the 10th chapter of the Gita, Bhagavan says that all mental dispositions such as buddhi, the capacity to understand, shama, mastery over the ways of thinking, sukha, pleasure dukkha, sorrow, bhaya, fear and Abhaya, fearlessness all come only from me.
Wait a minute. Did you say – dukkha sorrow and fear are from Bhagavan.
Yes. This is a very important teaching.
All mental dispositions and emotions are from Bhagavan alone. You or me have not invented fear or sorrow or even anger. These principles are present in the universe and we feel it from time to time.
Surely Bhagavan would have to be a real weirdo if he had given us fear and then said that you must not have fear.
Knowing that the law of emotions is pervaded by Bhagavan, one understands it and works with it.
Is there any reason for me to resist any mental disposition or emotion if they are all given? I welcome all of them.
In seeing that the law of emotions is pervaded by Bhagavan, I become a devotee.
How does one stop reacting and start responding?
In the instance where you as a mother reacted to the daughter, you first start becoming aware of your ego default.
Your daughter wanting to play on the I pad is just her expression of wanting to have fun. She is not trying to undermine her mother’s authority.
Additionally in expressing her wishes as different from your wishes, she is also trying to establish an independent identity free from the parents, which is necessary for any child’s growth. As time moves on, these expressions by the children will be different from us. These will be more and not less.
She wants to play and you want her to study. You can discuss home rules for use of I-pad and also role model less screen time. Even after you discuss ground rules, she will rebel because she is pushing her boundaries to establish her own sense of identity. You see these actions and responses as a part of her growth and your growth of letting go, of control over her. After all, she is your daughter. She will do well.
The daughter did not ask you to make any sacrifices. You decided to put the career on hold and hence will experience a roller coaster of emotions that comes with the choice until you are at peace with the decision. There will be days you will miss the work, the banter with office colleagues, the pay cheque. And yet you revel in seeing your daughter grow up, being present for all her milestones and delighting in her victories. It is all a mixed bag of emotions.
As a mother and as a devotee, you see that the daughter came through you and to you. She is prasada from Bhagavan, a gift given to you.
Being a devotee envelops you with love to look at yourself and your daughter. That gives you the strength to also deal with the frustrations of friction.
Being a devotee gives you the space of awareness to look at the facts of this age and stage of life – your needs and values and the needs and values of others. You respond with the voice of Dharma in your heart.
You are now a devotee playing the role of a mother, doing what you can, knowing that the ultimate father and mother, i.e. Bhagavan is looking after all of you.
You are relaxed and objective.
It is always possible to respond and find a way forward, one time, every time.
And so, we can stop reacting and start responding by –
Being aware of our default settings and having a two-step response.
Knowing that the law of karma is pervaded by Bhagavan, we respond with our offering of
Responding with our three fold shakti that is available to us at every moment.
Becoming devotees enveloped by Bhagavan’s love for oneself and others and doing what needs to be done.
