# 283 Forgiving oneself – an open letter

Dear me [Your Name],

I am writing this letter to you because it’s high time.

I feel sad that you have been carrying a heavy burden of shame and anger over past events. It is weighing you down.

I am sorry that I, as the wiser, more experienced version of you, was not there to comfort you.

You have been suffering and in a lot of pain.

I am sorry that I was there for the whole world but not there for you my dear precious self. 

I care for you and don’t want you to suffer anymore.

I somehow thought it was your fault for allowing those things to happen to you, like there was something missing in your response.

I am sorry that I put you down and diminished you. 

I am sorry that you were not able to control what happened to you.

I am sorry that you did not have the answers then as you do now and I forgive you,

I forgive you for the anger you have been holding onto.

I forgive you for the ways you’ve let this pain define you.

I forgive you for the ways you have let yourself down.

You’ve been waiting for justice. You have been waiting for the scores to be evened.

You want the person who wronged you to bear the weight of their actions and apologise and repent. You have waited for far too long with no apology in sight.

I forgive you for not knowing what to do.

I care for you. I accept you.

I am sorry that I judged you harshly.

I am sorry that I punished you by repeating judgements about you. Somehow holding a sword of judgement over your head would prompt you into seeking justice, I thought.

I forgive you that you are not able to accept that the past is over.

I am sorry that you could not give up hope for a different past.

I forgive you for not accepting the reality of what is.

I accept that you want to stay angry and sad for longer. You somehow believe that it will fuel the momentum for some divine justice. But it’s time to realize that staying angry is only prolonging your suffering.

You have tried to heal from all that has happened. I accept you and appreciate you for your efforts.

I forgive you for making mistakes. Mistakes are made by the best of us. It is ok.

I forgive you. Henceforth, I take responsibility—not for causing the destruction, but for cleaning it up.

I will heal my own wounds, regardless of the scars they may leave.

They say, Forgiveness isn’t about letting the other person off the hook or saying that what happened was okay. Forgiveness means deciding that restoring your own peace is more important.

They say, forgiveness isn’t about letting injustice reign. It’s about creating your own justice, your own karma, and your own destiny.

It’s about getting back on your feet and deciding that the rest of your life isn’t going to be miserable because of what happened.

I am beginning to understand this and as I apply Karma Yoga to different situations, I am willing to see that acceptance also includes forgiveness.

More than anyone else I am willing to forgive myself.

I am happy to be me.

Every time Swamini would say this in class, I would cringe.

How can I be happy to be me? Because there are a lot of things that I am ashamed of and critical of.

Now I realise that I was struggling to accept you, my dear self, as I thought you were less, somehow defective. Somehow I thought that you were never enough.

I am sorry that I held that belief. I hope you can forgive me.

I am beginning to see that you are fully pervaded by Bhagavan as the intelligence and material. 

When different beings like Ajamila and Valmiki were forgiven by Bhagavan for acts like murder, how can I withhold my love and acceptance of you.

If Bhagavan has not rejected you, then who am I to reject you?

I care for you. I accept you.

What others did to you was unpleasant, What I have done to you, my dear precious self is worse by allowing myself and my life be defined by those painful incidents.

I am sorry that in a strange sort of way I punished you.

They say, Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to make amends with who hurt you. It doesn’t mean befriending them, sympathizing with them or validating what they have done to you.

Forgiveness means saying that you’re not going to let what happened to you define you any longer.

I am willing to say that I will not be defined by what happened to me.

I am sorry that I did not say this earlier. I was afraid to say this and act on it.

I thought it would be a weakness on my part to do so.

They say, Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you are giving up all of your power.

Forgiveness means you’re finally ready to take back your power.

I am sorry that I did not recognise your power and resilience. Please forgive me.

I care for you. I accept you.

A lot of help from family members, friends and most importantly Ishvara is available.

I am sorry that I did not seek help. If I did, it was half hearted and I did not complete the last lap of the race.

I am sorry that I hid under motivational quotes and platitudes and did not do the important work of being there for you while you were processing it all.    

I am sorry that I did not seeing the play of karma in the way things unfolded.  

Whatever happens, one thing I can say is that I as the older, experienced, wiser one am  always there for you. We are in everything together.

You are a resilient, compassionate, and powerful being.

You can heal.  

I appreciate that, like space, you have the power to accommodate all that has happened.

I see that you are a simple, aware being, resting in the lap of Ishvara.

I trust in your ability to move forward, to create your own justice, and to live a life of peace and purpose.

Just like the fisherwoman who insisted on carrying the basket of fish on her head realised that she could put it down on the floor of the train compartment, your burdens and even you are being carried by the train of karma. Ishvara is the engine driver, the train, the people in the train – all of it.  

Please allow the burden to be dropped.

I love and accept you. I am sorry. I forgive you.

You are more than you think.

You are enough.

With love,

[Your Name]