#127 How to find peace with your parents
We were sitting on the steps of the hall which faced the river Ganga. As we watched her turquoise blue waters having piping hot tea that winter morning, the 75-year-old Vedanta student, Mala was crying bitterly. In between her heaving sobs, she said – I always felt that there was something wrong with me. My mother never appreciated me. The rest of the family and even our friends would praise my singing. But my mother would barely smile. She would just be busy preparing our favourite dishes. I longed for her to say something. But that day never came. This seventy five year old woman and a grandmother to boot had now transformed into the little one, unfulfilled in her relationship with her mother who was long gone.
Mala is not alone in feeling unloved and unsupported. Perhaps her mother loved her in ways that only she could but it was not enough for Mala.
One of the important journeys we have to complete in this lifetime is to be at peace in our relationship with parents. This frees us to relate to our own partner, children and work colleagues in mature, loving ways. If we have not reached some peace with our parents, the same incomplete and unfinished business with our parents will play out with our partner, children, our bosses and even our gurus.
Perhaps the main gift and blessing that our parents can give us is the conviction that we matter.
That we are lovable and acceptable.
That we have the education and skills to navigate our lives.
Given the unique set of karma criss crossing our lives, some of us may have received this blessing from our parents. And, what about many of us who have been unloved and unsupported? There are three areas that require our attention and action.
Understanding and using the five expressions of love – Gary Chapman offered a nice framework of what he called our five love languages. These are A. Words of appreciation. B. Caring practical actions. C. Quality time, D. Physical touch, E. Presence of the other person
Since we have our preferred modalities if love is not expressed in a particular way, we sulk and conclude that the other person does not love us.
Mala felt loved primarily when she heard words of appreciation. But her mother‘s way of expressing love was through practical actions – cooking different kinds of delicious meals for the family. Mala was not able to see that her mother loved her in the way that only she could and wrongly concluded that her mother did not care.
Our ways of expressing love for another are shaped by our childhood influences and own preferences. Another woman I know would hear a lot of loving words from her father who lived overseas but not enough practical actions. To compensate for the father‘s absence, she grew to be independent and capable of handling family finances as a teenager along with her mother.
Clear thinking and peace of mind requires us to identify what is our preferred mode of expression and to see what was our parents mode of expression of love. If these matched, great. If they did not match then one sees that they did what they could. Their intentions were fine but their expression did not match our expectation.
Parenting the little one: The little one which is the little you in childhood – the one who felt frightened, helpless and not accepted has frozen in time. The little one is also playful, spontaneous, creative and has a lot of fun. But the little one has frozen in time because he or she did not feel safe and needs love, acceptance and support.
We look all over trying to find that one person who will love us unconditionally but sadly find ourselves and the other conditional.
But the little one needs to be reparented. So here is a practical exercise –
Take all the loving sentences and appreciation that you have received so far in life and add some more and write your loving dialogue to the little one.
Tell him or her – I, the adult am sorry that you had to go through such a difficult time. I feel bad that there was no one to protect you, nurture you like you wanted. While the past cannot be changed, you will never be in that situation again. You are lovable. You are worthy of love, acceptance and respect. You are pervaded by Bhagavan. I love you. I have not given you enough reason to trust me. But know that I will not allow you to feel lonely ever again. I am always there for you.
Try variations of this dialogue and talk and listen to the little one. There is much healing that takes place as a result of this.
Seeing the laws of karma Perhaps when we stop looking upto our parents as little children and see them as one adult to another, we can objectively see the influences that shaped their life. It is likely that they too grew up with struggle and even abuse. Yet one of you says that – but that does not excuse what they did to me. You are probably right. We want justice to be done. But either our parents are dead and gone or are too old that one does not want to bring up past issues or maybe we have grown enough to relate to them as adults or maybe it is time to share all that has been bottled up. We can share our grief now and also hear their grief and helplessness as a parent. Or in some rare cases it is best that we stay away and do our duty towards them in terms of finances and medical care, from a distance. The question we must ask ourselves is – will we regret any of our behaviour when they are dead and gone?
Sometimes there may be guilt for what we could not do for our parents. Maybe the medical care or timely intervention. For that one seeks their forgiveness. If they are no more then one performs the required shraadhaa ceremony and commits timely intervention to our other loved ones. To come to terms with what happened, it helps to remind ourselves of the laws of karma that mould and shape our lives.
As harsh as it sounds, if we had a troubled childhood in this lifetime, in a previous lifetime we too had caused grief to our children then.
As we have sowed so we have reaped. It is our karma coming back to us. And so we develop the courage to change the things we can and develop the acceptance to change the things we can’t as well as the wisdom to know the difference. Like many aware parents who were aware of the impact of their parents on them, they heal and don’t subject their children to neglect and pain. In offering love to others there is a lot of receiving and healing.
4. Strengthen your relationship to Bhagavan – I want to illustrate this point through a story from the Bhagavatam.
Story of Dhruva – Dhruva is the elder son of king Uttamapaada from his first wife. The king had two wives. Dhruva was the younger wife ‘s son. One evening the family is in the garden and the boys are playing. Dhruva wanted to sit in his father’s lap. He starts climbing onto the king’s lap, when the second wife stops him. She tells Dhruva that he has no right to sit on the king’s lap because he is not her son. She shouts at Dhruva and drags him away. When Dhruva pleads with her and starts crying, she tells him that if he really wants to sit in his father’s lap, then he needs to pray. Pray that he be born as her son.
Extremely hurt and upset, Dhruva runs to his mother and tells her about what just happened. The elder queen was a gentle person who didn’t want to fill the child’s ears with poison for his step mother. So instead, she asked the child to focus on the solution suggested. She tells him that she understands he has been hurt deeply and surely he will get an opportunity to sit in his father’s lap. Prayer is important, and perhaps he can try to find an answer through prayer.
Little Dhruva has been deeply affected by the incident and is willing to do anything now! He walks away from the palace and goes to a forest. There he meets a celestial being called Narada who freely travels between all the worlds. Narada sees that Dhruva is very upset and asks him what the matter is. Dhruva tells him that he has been denied his father’s lap and has been told by his mother to pray for a solution. Then he asks Narada to help him. Narada gives the child a mantra and tells him that if he chants the mantra day and night, then Lord Narayana will help him. He further instructs Dhruva to go to the bank of river Narmada and do the japa there while visualizing Narayana relaxing on Ananta, the thousand headed snake or as Pujya Swamiji would light heartedly say the original coiled mattress!. The creation has come from him and the orders are all in place and all this is effortless for Bhagavan! This visualization is something we can all use to connect with Bhagavan in our japa.
The mantra given by Narada was “Om Namo Bhagavate Vaasudevaaya” – my salutations to the one in whom everything and everyone resides.
In other words, we are always in the lap of Narayana!
Every mantra is a prayer – an invocation of Bhagavan through a sacred sound. It is worship done through sound. So Dhruva starts his mantra japa in the forest. 5 months pass. Initially he eats roots and fruits, later surviving on water and eventually just air! What started off as a quest to gain his father’s love turns into an all-consuming sadhana that Dhruva enjoys thoroughly. The other devata-s see his intense penance and are hassled by the power of the japa as well as the will power of the little boy doing the japa. They run to Narayana and request him to please go and take care of this devotee who is determined to meet him. Narayana also sees Dhruva’s tapas (austere penance) and decides it is time to go meet him. When Narayana appears before Dhruva, initially the boy is so focused on his visualization and reveling in the japa, that he does not open his eyes. Lord Narayana then removes the visual from Dhruva’s mind’s eye. This shakes Dhruva out of his reverie and he opens his eyes. He is stunned to see the Lord standing in front of him exactly as he had visualized in his mind! His prayers had been answered!
Dhruva is unable to speak so he stands in silence looking at the lord. Then Lord Narayana touches Dhruva on his cheek with his conch (which is symbolic of giving him the knowledge of the Vedas), and Dhruva starts singing the glories of Narayana. There are eight verses of beautiful praise called “Dhruva stuti”, where he talks about his discovery of Ishvara as everything that he sees around him. Narayana sees that this little boy, all of five years, has truly understood Ishvara (Bhagavan – Narayana himself).
Lord Narayana then tells Dhruva that he will not only gain the position he wanted on his father’s lap, but he will also be king. And when he chooses the end of this earthly life, he will be the pole star in the night sky. The pole star which is steadfast and around whom the sun and its solar system, the saptarishis (7 rishis) included, all revolve.
Thus Dhruva, who left the palace as a small child wanting to gain his father’s love, starts back with the maturity and love gained from his tapas, and the blessing of being granted darshan of the lord. Meanwhile Narada has visited king Uttamapaada who now regrets his actions and sees clearly that it was wrong to be so caught up in his obsession of his second wife that he was unable to speak up for his child at the right time. Narada assures the king that his son is well. Dhruva indeed returns. He enjoys his father’s love and continues to live a full life. At the end of 30,000 years of his rule, he leaves his earthly body and takes his place among the stars.
Young Dhruva started off wanting to gain his father’s love. He started from a position of feeling unloved.
His sense of abandonment by the father was replaced by an all expansive surrender and appreciation of Bhagavan Narayana. He realised as we all must do at some point in time.
We are always in the lap of Ishvara.
Ishvara is adept at the five love languages and much more.
Every moment of every day, he whispers words of appreciation and encouragement in helping us see that we are sacred and indeed his manifestation.
Every moment he shows his love through practical actions of keeping all the laws functioning for our survival and thriving.
The space in the cells, the water in our bodies, the air that energises us, the fire that warms us and the earth that nourishes us, are Ishvara showing his love through physical touch.
He is ever present and makes every thought possible.
During our busy day if we ever turn to him he is ever available fully present.
Ishvara ‘s acts of care are countless. All the laws and principles that uphold us and have made this precious life possible, if this is not love, what is?
And so by paying attention to these three areas – The 5 love languages, Seeing the laws of karma and strengthening our relationship to Bhagavan we will be able to find peace with our parents.
