#128 How to find meaning and connection without our loved ones
A dear listener has sent a very good question which has many layers and hence deserves a full episode.
The question – “Is existential loneliness solvable? What if you wake up one day and you do not have any connection left in this world. There is no one who knows “you” or shares a common reality with you. No person to love or care about, no person to help or support you if you get sick. There is no person to talk to about your day or share a meal with. There is no person to laugh or play with. This impacts you at a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual level. How do you deal with this at all these different levels? Do you resign yourself to thinking that this is your karma and you must endure it? If so, how? You could get a dog or a cat, attend classes to be with people and busy yourself but how do you address the physiological impacts and underlying grief you experience? How do you find peace and meaning when all the people who added meaning to your life are physically gone?
End of question.
What is very important to note is that,
The way we deal with a situation depends on our worldview.
Our worldview determines the way we see and engage with reality.
The question is – does our world view align with functional reality?
If our world view aligns with reality we will find meaning and purpose in life
If I were to unpack the question, there are two key points in this person’s worldview –
Kama – the pursuit of emotional comfort, support, and pleasure is the goal of life. Naturally, if loved ones are not there, there is no kama and hence no meaning in life. Dharma, Artha, and Moksha don’t hold much meaning or if they do their purpose is to serve the pursuit of Kama, loving relationships, and comfort.
The greatest connection that is possible and desirable is to our loved ones only. Either it is not possible to cultivate any other connection or the person does not want to have a connection with anything or anyone else in the world.
Being Kaama centred wherein one’s relationships with loved ones determine the meaning and purpose of life is fraught with a lot of pain. When the relationships are great, life is great. When there is misunderstanding or distance life is lousy. This kind of a life yo-yo’s from elation to depression. It goes with the territory and one cannot avoid it. The Vedas teach us that it is possible to relate to all our close relationships with more love, more support, and more freedom provided you grow out of your dependence.
This involves seeing that all our relationships in this lifetime are temporary and strengthening your relationship with Bhagavan.
You have set out on a journey in the river of life. Initially your parents and siblings are in the boat with you. At different points in the journey, you or they get off on different river banks. Sometimes they are with you for some stretches and sometimes not. They cheer and wave at you as you continue to float on your life ‘s journey. Some other people like partner, children join you in your boat for a few more stretches on the journey and again they are with you for a certain length of time. But your journey is your journey alone. The river meets the sea. In the process you make the most of your journey cruising on the river, relating, learning and contributing. You started out on the journey alone and you will reach the sea alone. Along the way we have the joy and privilege of connecting to many people in our journey.
That loved ones are in our lives is a part of our karma. That they will part from us either due to distance or death, is a reality we must align with. We resist the reality of the death of our loved ones. In fact, seeing disease, old age and death prompted the young prince Gautama to walk away in search of a solution for suffering.
The truth is,
The impermanence of our close relationships does not make us suffer. What makes us suffer is that we want our close relationships to be permanent, when it is not in the nature of any form to be permanent.
We superimpose the quality of permanence on something that is temporary and lament why relationships have to end due to death or distance.
That every form has a beginning and end, is the law of Isvara srsti. If our world view, jiva srsti is aligned with isvara srsti then we accept that all close relationships are temporary and do what we can. Rather than resist this reality of a possible end of any relationship, it is worth asking what the purpose of any close relationship is.
The purpose of our relationship with our parents or partner or children is to love, support, commit and contribute to the growth of that person as much as you would, your own. In other words the purpose of our relationships is to uphold the highest dharma of love and contribution to the other. In the process, our loved ones transfer their vision of us which becomes our vision of ourselves – a vision where you see that you are indeed lovable, acceptable, worthy, successful and deserving of a fulfilling life.
And so when we combine the two, the temporariness of all relationships and the purpose of close relationships then we can have clear thinking and an open heart about the role of close relationships in our lives.
We learn to love, support, contribute and grow. Given that life is really short we make the most of our time with our closed ones and do what we can and that is good enough!
The all expansive and all embracing Vedic vision tells us that our connection with our close relationships is a small aspect of one of our five relationships, pancha-sambandhas. In the Vedic vision of connection with all forms, there is a strong element of rnam, a sacred obligation or a sacred debt that must be honored. This deep connection and rnam is present with the following five sets of relationships, sambandha and hence we must make our sacred offerings – yajna :
Manusha sambandha and hence manushyah yajna – The people who criss cross the karma of our lives – our families, friends, office colleagues, service providers, strangers and guests who come into our homes and our lives, call upon us to perform our dharma towards them. We embody samanya dharma in our interactions which makes it our sacred offering towards them. With close relationships like a family member or a work professional we also perform our vishesha dharma, specific responsibilities.
Unfortunately, our orientation and I see that of many spiritual students, is a beggarly one. We only think of how much and what we can gain from the other person. When we grow in our maturity we think and act on ‘What can I give and contribute?’
Bhuta sambandah and hence bhuta yajna – Bhuta means beings and hence covers the entire gamut from earthworms, insects, plants and animals that form our ecosystem and contribute to our sustenance. Each of the beings has a role to play. As Mahatma Gandhi once famously said – There is enough for man’s needs but not enough for his greed. We acknowledge their contribution and help to preserve the environment. It is not only a global imperative but a sacred rnam we must honor. Our role lies in conservation and causing the least injury to them.
Rishi sambandha and Rsi yajna – Seers who shared the knowledge of the Vedas as revealed by Isvara in the form of mantras, rituals, liberating teachings as well as disciplines such as Ayurveda, Jyotisham (Astrology) and even Maths, Science and so on. We seek to relate and make our sacred offerings to the teachers by doing seva or by acts of the contribution that keep the Vedic culture and different institutions alive
Pitr sambandha and pitr yajna -Our parents and ancestors are our pitr-s who have passed on their genes, family traditions and blessings to us. We seek to relate to them by remembering them or instituting organisations, acts of charity in their name.
Deva sambandha and hence Deva yajna – Our relationships with the devatas – deities who are responsible for different phenomena such as air, water, fire and so on. For instance, Vayu or Prana continues to traipse in and out of your lungs energising you every moment. Just because you have ignored Vayu devata all your life, does not mean that Vayu devata sulks. We seek to relate and make our sacred offerings to these devatas who unconditionally give and bless us every moment. Every day we acknowledge their contribution and make an offering to them mentally or through puja and chants.
Arjuna in the Bhagavad Gita faced this question of meaning without his loved ones. Viktor Frankl who was a survivor of the Holocaust went on to write ‘Man’s search for meaning’ without his loved ones. He concluded that a vision of hope and optimisim and a purpose in the future lends meaning to life. Every moment is meaningful.
To conclude, we limit ourselves if we have a kaama centred life. The Vedas call upon us to see our life of connection with all forms and act to fulfill our rnam, our sacred responsibility. If we do this, there will never arise a problem of feeling disconnected and sapped of meaning. The more connections you discover and honor the more meaning your life begins to have.
In the Vedic vision moksha, freedom from a sense of bondage is the goal of life. Dharma, Artha and Kama certainly have a role to play but do not determine the meaning of life. You stop working for Dharma, Artha and Kaama and design your life such that Dharma, Artha and Kaama pursuits work for you. To discern moksha as the ultimate priority in life is a result of self enquiry and not a mandate of the Veda. It is what we refer to as purushartha nischaya, a clear ascertainment of the purpose of one’s life being moksha through all the willing, wishing and wanting across all our pursuits.
The permanent connection that you sought through your close relationships is only possible with Bhagavan to whom you have been connected across lifetimes. However the connection to Bhagavan is unlike connection to any other being as he is not sitting only in Timbuktu. The material of your mind-body and its intelligence is pervaded by Bhagavan. The laws that make your mind-body work and the whole universe work are pervaded by Bhagavan. The connection to Bhagavan encompasses all your relationships with different people across lifetimes.
Any thought you have, is sustained by Bhagavan.
Any act you do, is sustained by Bhagavan.
Any word you speak, is sustained by Bhagavan.
We see that we are ever connected. We find meaning by discovering first our connection with all forms and honoring them and then the oneness that is the reality of all forms.
