#191 Can our relationships create bondage?

Ravi, a 35 year old general manager at a leading multinational wants to quit his job. But he feels that he cannot. Why? There are loans to be paid for the children’s education, the swank SUV, the foreign vacation and of course the house. He feels stuck and seeks relief in having his evening drinks. He has made one suicide attempt so far and his family is worried for him. The management of his company sees a risk continuing with Ravi in senior management and promotes his contemporary. Insulted at this slight, Ravi offers him a golden handshake. Although he gets 6 months of his salary, He feels bound in his relationships as a professional, a husband and a father. The only way out, according to him is to walk away from it all.   

32 year old Reema was deeply in love. Six months into the relationship, she found that her boyfriend was cheating on her. Betrayed Reema has stopped meeting even her friends and barely replies in monosyllables when her family calls her. She believes that romantic relationships are like a prison and she has sworn off all relationships.

Both Ravi and Reema believe that they would have been fine were it nor for their relationships. If only they had been single like the monks, they would have been happier.

Both Ravi and Reema define themselves by their relationships.

Six Conditions under which relationships can cause a sense of bondage –

Relationships can cause a sense of bondage if we define ourselves by them.If one defines oneself by a relationship thenone’s self worth is at stake. One wants to control it to the extent possible. Controlling how the relationship pans out is controlling the person. Insisting that the other person share the same interests, the same political views and have the same friends is not love but control.

Insisting that the other person should behave how you want them to be, depending on your mood is not care but control. I love you and hence when I say – Sit down, you should sit down..when I say stand up, you should stand up.

There is a difference between definition and description. Definition is that which is intrinsic to the thing while description are of qualities related to a thing.Describing ourselves as a professional, friend, parent etc. is far more accurate than defining oneself in that way. The truth is that we are more than the sum total of our relationships.

Relationships can cause a sense ofbondage if our happiness depends on them –Relationships are subject to change because we change, the people we relate to change and of course our relationships change.  Despite that we have the magical notion that the people in relation to us must keep us happy all the time. No one is capable of this. With this extreme dependence, we cannot be in it nor can we be without our relationships. There will never be a time in your life when all your relationships will be exactly like how you want them to be. In the Vedic vision, your intrinsic nature is Ananda and moments of happiness allow your nature to manifest.

The truth is that relationships can seemingly cause bondage and a sense of being stuck if we are not able to recognize the simple person that is present in all our relationships.

3. Relationships can cause bondage if we don’t recognize the play of karma–  In the Vedic vision, there is a play of karma to be played out with the significant people in one’s life. We are in each other’s life because we have to exhaust our karma – punya and paapa and learn from it. In the hundreds of lifetimes you have had, you are related to the 10-20 people in this lifetime for anywhere from 25- 75 years in your life. That’s all. It is possible that you may never meet the person from this lifetime in the next one, if you do have one.Our relationships are the results of our own karma of this lifetime or previous lifetimes and hence the people in our lives are not there to torture us but are as prasaada of our own karma. If we experience bondage, we need to shift to the script of Dharma and not get stuck.

The purpose of life is not to just improve the quality of our relationships but moksha, seeing that you are the limitless being with and without relationships.

4. Relationships can cause a sense of bondage if we expect moksha from it – Moksha is fullness, freedom from a sense of bondage, where one does not define oneself by anything that is limited. Relationships are a joy and a privilege when one releases the burden of moksha from them. Yes, we can contribute to each other’s happiness, but no one can make you completely happy and take away your sense of lack at all times, in all places and in all situations.Not even the relationship with the guru which is primarily for the sake of knowledge. It is the knowledge that takes place in a relational context that frees one.

5. Relationships can cause a sense ofbondage if we don’t recognise the choices available – The truth is that you, the simple person chooses to be in relation with your parents, siblings, friends, partner, children, colleagues etc. There is always a choice to add more relations or to drop any of these relations. There is always a choice to relate more, less or differently. You don’t stop existing if you have a break up although it feels devasting. You don’t stop existing even if a loved one dies. You exist and you have a privilege to relate to others.

6. Relationships can cause a sense of bondageif we are stuck in our identity as an experiencer – The reason we define ourselves only by our relationships is that we thrive on being an experiencer. We love feeling good. As a professional or as a parent, we love getting things done.  We enjoy the power over decision making. We love the things we can buy to make living comfortable. Our self-worth sky rockets when we do well at work or having a loving family. All wonderful experiences. Yet even this identity as an experiencer is not a permanent one. We are not in touch with the simple person that one is.  

The identity as an experiencer, the one who seeks and revels in interesting and new experiences is so high that one cannot deal with monotony or boredom. It feels uncomfortable to be with oneself. Earlier when there were no chatbots, and one had to call a customer care number, the company would always play a tune. Why? Because the company understood that we cannot be with ourselves. We don’t know what to do with ourselves.

The identity as a doer and experiencer are so strong that if we are not doing something worthwhile we feel wasted. If we are not experiencing anything interesting, then we feel like nothing is happening.

On the other hand, relationships can never cause a sense of bondage if we shift attention to the person, the simple conscious being that is aware of the roles, then there is a space of awareness which is not physical. There is a part of you that is not affected by the relationship at all. It seems like because ofdifferent relationships, the person ‘I’ undergoes change. But the change in the person ‘I’, is not total. In the change that happens, am I replaced? In relating to my mother, I am not replaced.  In relating to my child, I am not replaced. The daughter -I is replaced by the mother -I, but the ‘I’ is not totally replaced. If I the person was replaced there would be no continuity at all. If it is totally replaced, there will be neither mother nor daughter because the one who related to the son has vanished, while a new one who has appeared in his place cannot have a relationship with the daughter.  The partial change in the subject ‘I’ does not seem to leave any trace upon the ‘I’.  Therefore, you are able to assume a new role altogether without suffering a change on your part.  This extraordinary endowment that we have been given reveals a great fact about life.

It is an amazing capacity to undergo change when you relate to something, without intrinsically undergoing change.

I do not define myself by my relationships, My happiness is not held hostage by the quality of my relationships. I recognize the choices and my own karma playing.

Recognising that I am the witness consciousness who is ever untouched while relating but being free from relating is great freedom.

When I am objective I experience a freedom in my relationships. I enjoy them for what they are. I am free to take on more relationships and relate freely.

The truth is I was always free of all relationships even as I related to different beings.

Can I see that relationships do not create bondage?