#130 How to be non judgmental
Just like me there are many jivas, who have taken different manifestations – human forms, bird forms, animal forms, insect forms and so on.
Similar to me all these incarnations breathe in and out energized by Vayu devata.
Just like me there are two people in your life – the one with whom I get along very well and the other with whom there is a lot of friction. I keep both of them in my mind’s eye. As I look at them, I listen to the following words. It is better to not proceed unless these people are distinctly seen in my mind’s eye.
Both these people are in front of me. You can shift from one person to the other or only focus on one. Let’s see what happens.
This person who is going through life is just like me.
This person was once a small child, vulnerable and powerful, who loved to play and laugh. Just like me.
This person has had happy times in their life. Just like me.
This person has been loved. Just like me.
This person is loving and shows love in different ways – sometimes through words of care, sometimes through physical touch, sometimes through caring actions, sometimes through spending quality time and sometimes through being there for the other. Just like me.
This person has been through many challenging moments in life. Just like me.
This person emerged stronger through the challenges – some strengthened the person and some made the person bitter and cynical. Just like me.
This person has been through childhood, youth and middle age. This person will go through old age and death. Just like me.
This person has regrets about things done, words said, guilt about what could have been done and sadness about what was done. Just like me.
The specifics may be different but the universal stays the same.
Just like me this person wants to be loved and accepted.
The person longs to believe that I am enough and complete as I am.
Just like me this person struggles with rejection and does not want to be shamed or humiliated.
Just like me this person struggles with conflict and figuring out the right thing to do.
Just like me this person slips into old patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving. Some patterns serve us well and some patterns may need to be examined.
Just like me this person is judgmental and yet does not want to be judged.
Every judgment or conclusion limits the person and we rebel against all limits including limiting labels.
Just like me this person likes to box and compartmentalize others as it is less threatening and people become easy to deal with, in the short term.
Just like me this person does not want to be taken for granted and wants to matter.
Just like me this person resists people and situations in life and wants them to be different
Just like me this person uses judgments to protect oneself and keep the other at a distance.
Closeness makes us open and vulnerable which threatens some of us.
Just like me, the person may want to abide by dharma but struggles with conflicts in the heart.
Just like me, this person has a lot of gifts to offer the world
Notice how seeing our shared humanity changes the way we hold the person.
We find our fondness increasing for the one who is dear to us.
We find the distance reducing with the one who annoys us.
It is possible that some of it felt mechanical or artificial or even brought up an opposite reaction. We are fine with that.
Being non judgmental is not about being a saint and floating in la-la land of feel good spirituality.
To deal with different situations and people we have to make quick conclusions all the time based on the available data. We must be quick to think and act.
Being non-judgemental is not about eliminating all judgments from your life. It is neither possible nor desirable.
Being non-judgmental is seeing the reality of our shared humanity – the surprisingly common things about us and our lives. Why?
Because the judgments we hold about others usually unfavourable affect us and isolate us from the other. ‘Oh my husband is like this only…’ When the husband hears this even if he wanted to, the husband will not want to change. And even if he changes his behaviour, the wife is not willing to see that he has changed. Damned if he does and damned if he does not.
We get stuck in our judgments of others and don’t open ourselves to the present and to reality right here right now.
So what can we do about it ?
Whenever you speak about an issue that causes intense emotion, just add – In my view or In my perception...
It is a reminder to yourself and the other, that subject to data you are willing to change your mind and also that you are willing to listen to the other person’s view.
Your conclusion is a working conclusion. Hold it lightly.
You can add or modify depending on incoming data.
No one wants to be defined narrowly. Not even the dreaded corona virus that is mutating and is being called different names.
Just like I am pervaded by the material and intelligence that is Bhagavan, the other person too is pervaded by the material and intelligence that is Bhagavan.
Just like I want to be happy, He/she/they want to be happy. (sah/saa sukhi bhavantu)
Just like I want to enjoy good health and be free from disease, He/she/they want to have good health and be free from disease (sah/saa/yah nirāmayāḥ)
Just like I want to have prosperity He/she/they want to have wealth and prosperity. (sah/saa/yah bhadram paśyatu)
Just like I don’t want to experience sorrow He/she/they do not want to experience sorrow. (sah/saa/yah dukhabhāgbhavet )
And so, it is easy for us to pray for all –
sarvebhavantu sukhinaḥ sarve saṇtu nirāmayāḥ ।
sarvebhadrāṇi paśyantu mā kaścid dukhabhāgbhavet ।।
