#304 How to come to terms with the past
That phone call which impacted the lives of the whole family.
The sadness of abandonment
The harsh words spoken in a rage
The neglect experienced in childhood
The bullying by school mates,
Everyone experiences events in childhood that leave an impression and shape us into who we become.
Vedanta teaches us to see things as IS. This means being objective to one’s past as well.
How can we be objective, perhaps have a pleasant neutrality to the past, especially when there are some painful memories sitting there to this day that have not been processed? How can we change our relationship with one’s past to one of objectivity especially when there is no one, monolithic, tangible solid entity called one’s past?
Then, what we call our past include : situations in our lives, concepts of ourselves and a concept of others in those situations – good, bad or ugly.
In these situations the Dharma of justice and kindness had not been practised either by us or the other.
What we find difficult to accept is our perception of ourselves in that situation. Why? Because what we did or what was done to us was unacceptable to the evolved us, now.
Us being unacceptable is unacceptable to us.
If we have processed our past well, then we have integrated these learnings into our lives and moved on with wisdom, courage and compassion.
If we have not processed these events, we helplessly replay the situations over and over in our heads and just cannot stop.
Processing issues is like digesting food.
When we first confront an issue, like taking the first bite of food, we need to break it down into manageable pieces. We can’t swallow whole experiences without proper processing.
Raw experiences, like raw food, need proper digestion to be useful.
Our mind, like our stomach, needs time to break down experiences. Just as food needs digestive enzymes, our experiences need reflection and understanding to be processed. Rushing this process, like eating too fast, or just swallowing food can lead to ‘indigestion’ of experiences.
Just as nutrients from food get absorbed into our bloodstream, processed experiences become wisdom and learning. Unprocessed experiences, like undigested food, can create emotional blockages.
Well-processed experiences nourish our psychological growth, just as digested food nourishes our body
Just as our body needs to eliminate waste, we need to let go of what doesn’t serve us. Holding onto unprocessed experiences is like constipation – it creates discomfort and blocks new growth.
Like indigestion, If we have not processed experiences then there is the feeling of being stuck, unresolved trauma and persistent negative patterns.
Just as we need good eating habits for physical health, we need good processing habits for emotional health – being fully present and allowing the whole experience to go through oneself, taking the time to reflect, allowing ourselves to fully digest our experiences and dealing appropriately with the situation or person aligned with Dharma.
And so coming to terms with the past is a painful but necessary journey of self-mastery, healing, and growth which paves the way for a clearer Vedanta understanding.
Coming to terms with the past involves internal processing as well as engaging with the people involved.
Just as our body has this gift of healing from cuts and infections to restore balance, our whole being has the gift of healing from challenges to restore joy in one’s life too through many tried and tested processes.
Some of the processes we can undertake are –
Understanding the Impact of the Past
Compassion for the Inner Child
The Law of Karma and Past Events
Cognitive Processing of Past Events
Emotional Processing and Release
Energetic Processing
Dealing with the other person
Integration: Weaving Past, Present, and Future
Understanding the Impact of the Past
Our past experiences significantly influence our present reality in the form of our beliefs, behaviors, and emotional responses, in ways we don’t fully recognize.
Unresolved past events can manifest as recurring patterns, emotional triggers, or persistent feelings of guilt, shame, or regret. Acknowledging this impact is the first step towards healing.
Leela, a 35-year-old woman grew up with a depressed, emotionally unavailable mother and an angry, verbally abusive father. Now Leela’s friends were all married with children but she had difficulty trusting others and having closeness, even in friendships. Leela often felt responsible for others’ emotions, especially when they were upset and hence avoided conflict at all costs. She really believed that the first sign of a conflict is the end of a relationship not quite recognising that conflict and resolution of conflicts propels relationships forward.
As she started attending Gita classes, she was stunned that Arjuna although a wronged prince did not escape the situation but stayed on in the battlefield to fight and eventually win a dharmika war.
As Leela started to reflect more on her experiences and her childhood, she found that her early childhood experiences had shaped these current patterns of not getting too close to people and avoiding conflicts.
So then, what does one do after one has connected the dots of unprocessed childhood experiences and the impact on unhelpful adult patterns of relating?
Compassion for the Inner Child
In recent times, ‘inner child work’ has received a lot of attention and rightly so. Inner child is that part of us who is vulnerable, spontaneous, playful, creative and also who easily gets hurt. To take care of this ‘inner child’ we developed different personalities. But some of the inner child is frozen in time because the child’s hurt experiences have not been processed and integrated into adulthood.
Many of our deepest hurts originate in childhood. As stronger, wiser and kinder adults, we have the opportunity to revisit these experiences with a new perspective. Developing compassion for our younger selves is healing.
With care and objectivity, we acknowledge the challenges and limitations of our childhood circumstances. We recognize the coping mechanisms we developed to survive
With the help of her teacher, Leela practices inner child work. She visualizes herself as a young girl, feeling scared and alone in her chaotic home. In her mind, she approaches this younger self with love and understanding. She tells her younger self: “It’s not your fault. You deserved love and support. Please forgive me for blaming you and criticising you and doubting you. What they did was bad but I continued what they did by hurting you with my doubt and criticism. I cannot change what I did but I am determined to change things for the better now.” She imagines hugging her younger self and saying ‘ I am so sorry that there was no one that you could count on. I feel sad that you did not feel safe. I as the loving one in your life promise to be there for you always. I appreciate you for all that you went through and did not give up. I love you and I accept you. You are lovable. You are acceptable.’
What Leela had not received in childhood she offers to herself and begins healing her childhood hurts.
Visualising herself in the lap of Bhagavan and hearing about the little child Dhruva who longed to sit on his father ‘s lap but was denied and eventually gained great blessings from Narayana after doing Tapasya gives her hope. Leela starts to chant the mantra she has been initiated into and slowly her being is filled her with the sweetness of chanting Bhagavan’s name.
Visualising and comforting your younger self, can be particularly effective to integrate fragmented aspects of our lives and promote self-acceptance.
The Law of Karma and Past Events
Modern psychology has no explanation for Why bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people?
Viewing our whole life through the lens of the law of Karma can magically transform your life.
We see that every day a series of karma are fructifying for all – One’s own punya-paapa (results of dharmika and adharmika actions) are fructifying into experiences of sukha-dukha (happiness-sorrow).
Since the law of Karma is a framework to recognise our empirical or functional reality, the goal is not to assign blame or justify suffering but to find meaning and learn from our experiences.
How can you blame yourself for the paapa karma you did in the distant past or in some previous lifetimes, which you don’t even know about? You can only accept that you or the other did not know any better.
One recognises that one’s choices and karma in the past have shaped one’s destiny right now and one’s karma today is going to shape the destiny of the future
Leela reflected on her family dynamics through a karmic lens. She understood that her parents had their own unresolved traumas and limitations. While she grieved the loss of a childhood for her younger self, she grudgingly understood that she might have contributed to situations of neglect for someone else in a past lifetime and she was bearing the consequences of the same. While she felt helpless then, she was powerful now. Leela was able to shift from a victim mode to one of taking responsibility for her life and hence processing past events.
Her challenging childhood had also made her resilient as well as highly attuned to her environment which had become her unique strength.
Just like Leela did, viewing the past events through the law of karma speeds up our journey of acceptance.
We recognize the interconnectedness of our karma with each other and Bhagavan, the one who presides over all karma. Our karma with each other is interwoven with the grace of Bhagavan’s presence.
Then, how could Bhagavan allow all those terrible things to happen to us? They happened not because he allowed but because others or we, ourselves abused our free will and went against Dharma.
Just like the video creator of a game cannot be summoned in court because the players of the video game hurt or helped others, so too Bhagavan cannot be blamed for the actions done by the players of the game. Bhagavan has just given the players of the Life game, the free will to hurt or help. The players of the game are responsible for their punya and paapa karma and the cycle of karma goes on.
Everyday, we offer our karma at Bhagavan’s feet
कायेन वाचा मनसेन्द्रियैर्वा
बुद्ध्यात्मना वा प्रकृतेः स्वभावात् ।
करोमि यद्यत्सकलं परस्मै
नारायणायेति समर्पयामि ॥
(Whatever I do) with my body, speech, mind or sense organs Whatever I do with my intellect (making decisions), Or Whatever I do through the natural tendencies of Prakrti, which is the material cause of Bhagavan, Whatever I do, I do unto others, I lovingly offer all my karma at the feet of Narayana, the abode of all beings
Cognitive Processing of Past Events
At a cognitive level, coming to terms with the past involves reframing our understanding of events and their meanings. This process includes:
Challenging distorted thinking patterns which are not aligned with reality
Seeking alternative perspectives of how the same events may be viewed with more data and the wisdom you now possess.
Extracting lessons and seeing how challenging experiences have contributed to your strength and wisdom.
4.Forgiving others who may have hurt you, as well as self-forgiveness for actions you regret.
One can write in a journal, undertake therapy, or guided self-reflection exercises. The goal is to develop a more balanced, nuanced understanding of your experiences.
Leela identified her distorted thought pattern ‘I am unlovable and acceptable’. No matter what I do I will never be good enough. No one will find me attractive enough to marry me. No one will hire me for a job.
Leela challenges these thought distortions by contrasting the belief with reality.
Although I feel I am unlovable, my friends and family love me and care for me? Are they faking it? No, they are genuine. Are they being kind? Well, they are lovely people but they are also very honest. If they see some lovable qualities in me, maybe I am not that bad after all. Maybe my belief is not aligned with reality.
Leela is able to see that her belief is wrong. She challenges the belief “I’m unlovable” by recognizing that she believed it because of her view of how her parents looked upon her.
That she felt unloved was due to her parents’ limitations, not her worth.
She reframes “I must keep everyone happy” to “I can contribute to my happiness and other’s happiness also. But I am not solely responsible for other’s happiness.
Bhagavan sustains my thought world. Bhagavan will help me overcome limiting self beliefs. Bhagavan helps me to in harmony with reality as it is, as I am.
She practices self-affirmations like “I am lovable and acceptable.
She sees the truth of the statement – I am a manifestation of Bhagavan. Bhagavan’s grace pervades my intelligence. Bhagavan pervades my entire form.
I am sacred. I have the power to change and align my beliefs with reality.
असतो मा सद्गमय ।
तमसो मा ज्योतिर्गमय ।
मृत्योर्मा अमृतं गमय ।
Bhagavan
From ignorance/falseness lead me to reality/truth
From darkness lead me to light
From death lead me to immortality.
Emotional Processing and Release
Intense emotions connected to challenging past events can linger long after the events themselves. Emotional processing involves:
Allowing yourself to feel and express emotions fully without restraint.
Somatic experiencing: Pay attention to how emotions manifest in your body and use this awareness for release.
Grief work: Acknowledge and mourn losses, including lost opportunities or unfulfilled expectations.
Techniques like Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), breathwork, or music, dance, yoga, creative work can facilitate emotional release. The goal is to not eliminate emotions but to process them in a healthy way.
Leela had a lot of respect for her parents and felt guilty about having anger towards them. For the first time, she allows herself to feel anger towards her parents, releasing it through physical exercise, journaling and speaking with a friend.
Leela grieves for the childhood she didn’t have, allowing herself to cry and express sadness.
She uses breath work to release feelings of anxiety that arise when she thinks about her childhood.
Leela sees that the whole emotional landscape is pervaded by the wisdom of Bhagavan.
Even so called negative emotions have been given to us for a positive purpose. They are whispering some wisdom to us which we need to pay attention to. This was covered in a previous episode – How do negative emotions help us?
As she expresses her emotions just over a few days she finds that the intensity of her anger reduces, the frequency of her general irritability reduces and her recovery in the situation is faster. Remembering the past does not paralyse her thinking and action like it used to.
Energetic Processing
From an energetic perspective, past traumas and unresolved experiences can create blockages in our energy system. Energetic processing involves:
Body awareness: Tune into areas of your body where you hold tension or discomfort related to past events and release it by deep breathing and bilateral stimulation like alternate tapping on knees or shoulders.
Practising witnessing meditation to observe thoughts and feelings about the past without judgment or wanting to change anything for a few minutes. When you just watch and do not identify and build up emotion then it becomes manageable.
Visualization: Imagine releasing old energy and inviting in new, healing energy.
The concept of cellular memory suggests that our bodies store the energy of past experiences. Energetic work aims to release this stored energy and restore balance.
Leela notices that she carries tension in her throat (perhaps from suppressing her voice) and her stomach (from anxiety). She tries Pranayama over a period of time feeling a release of old energy from these areas. She practices a daily meditation where she visualises releasing dark energy from her body and invites in healing and loving light of Bhagavan.
Still there is a nagging sense that she must address the past with her parents.
Dealing with the other person
This involves having an honest conversation (if safe and appropriate)
Expressing your perspective while being open to hearing theirs
Deciding what kind of relationship is possible going forward with the other person
Sometimes choosing to maintain distance if reconciliation isn’t possible
Reviewing what the other person said and reframing how you saw the situation (if appropriate)
Leela decided to broach the topic with her mother. She said, I am grateful that you brought me into the world and have done so much for me. And still when I was growing up, I felt that at the age of 8 I could not be a child, free and playful. Since you were so hurt by Papa’s behaviour you were withdrawn. I wanted attention from you but you were always so far away, even though you were at home. I know that you were battling your own problems. Sometimes I wish things were different. When people talk about their childhood they have such great memories. I only remember that I had to do everything alone. You were not really there. I am not blaming you. Just sharing my side of the story. You keep nagging me about getting married. The reason I don’t want to is that I cannot trust things will be fine.
Her mother listens to all this and says ‘ I was helpless myself. You were mature and we had a lot of blessings. I was growing myself. How could I take care of you’.
Leela is partly relieved that she shared her side of the story with her mother and partly annoyed because she thought that her mother would have at least regretted and apologised. Leela realised that she had tried her best and could not force an apology or a deep regret for her mother who was still learning to process her past. Her mother expressing her side of the story was as good as it got, and that was fine.
She prayed for strength to let bygones be bygones and continued her mantra chanting seeking grace from Bhagavan and expressing love and compassion for herself. Leela is thankful that atleast she has some tools for processing while her mother continues to struggle. Leela prays for her mother too.
And finally,
Integration: Weaving Past, Present, and Future
True coming to terms with the past involves integrating our experiences into a cohesive narrative that informs but doesn’t constrain our present and future. This integration process includes:
Creating a new narrative: Reframe your life story in a way that acknowledges challenges but emphasizes growth and resilience.
Identifying values and strengths: Recognize how your past has shaped your values and cultivated your strengths.
Clarifying goals: Use insights gained from processing the past to set meaningful goals for your future.
Practicing being present: Develop the ability to be fully engaged in the present moment, neither dwelling on the past nor anxiously anticipating the future.
To integrate her experiences, Leela writes a new narrative of her life, acknowledging the challenges but focusing on how they’ve made her empathetic and resilient. Her life is no longer only about making sense of the past but looking forward to a future with a clear articulation of life priorities. Bhagavan in the form of Kaala, Time pervades time – past, present and future.
Leela recognizes that her experiences have given her strength and a deep capacity for compassion. She can use them as fertiliser to enrich the growth of her future garden of karma.
Leela makes some effort in reaching out and connecting to people especially in her Vedanta sangha and becomes a pillar of strength for many others. Leela also starts to volunteer at a children’s organisation, reading stories to children and having fun.
Leela has now understood that her goal is not to erase the past or achieve a state of perpetual happiness. Rather, it’s to develop a relationship with the past based on objectivity, which allows for healing, growth, and a deeper understanding of yourself.
Leela has also understood that coming to terms with the past is not a one-time event but a process. There is no moment that Bhagavan is not present. She is waking up to the presence of Bhagavan pervading her life.
She can undertake this sadhana of healing and be healed because we are always held by the presence of Bhagavan. The Rishis and Devatas are blessing us all the time.
If we were to just lift our heads and look into the light, our journey of healing will lead to wholeness.
Coming to terms with the past is a necessary step of our spiritual journey. It is a part of her sadhana. By engaging with our past across many levels we move forward with wisdom and strength towards a greater freedom and purpose.
