#145 Making the most of self-help books and videos in the light of Vedanta
The self help industry has grown by leaps and bounds or rather by books, courses and quotes. It is difficult to escape a quote, an insight, an advertisement on youtube to live more successfully, happily, effectively etc.
The glittering promise of all self help books is that they will improve and dramatically alter our lives.
Recently I was talking to a teenager and asked her, what do you do when you feel down and out? And she said – I watch motivational videos.
I wondered – Do they help?
She said – I feel very good after watching but it is up to me to apply the learning. Since I am struggling to change, I watch some more videos. Again I feel good but procrastinate in developing habits. Then I get frustrated and swear – No more motivational videos. They are useless.
This teenager ‘s situation is common. Self help has become shelf help. Only your shelf is groaning under the weight of books which have not been read fully because of the magical belief that we will get to it one fine day or we may know a lot but we just have to apply the learning.
Self-help books and videos typically present principles, insights, advice and stories which can appeal to a wide range of people in different stages of lives. The truth is that only some of the principles and advice can apply to you and your situations.
Then, how do they help ?
They create a buzz of hope and optimism that is much needed in our lives.
In the magic of reading or watching, there is you, the one who seeks to find meaning, unconsciously projecting your life situations. You relate to the stories of those that are sprawled through the pages. You seek to find an answer to an unanswered question that pulses through you. Sometimes moments of resonance happen. You find an answer which leads to a change of mind, an expanse in perspective and an open heart. Through the video or the book you find yourself magnified in luminous glory, more alive.
We feel that we are contributing to our learning by the mere act of watching a video or reading a book.
The authors and publishers present to us wisdom condensed into a book or video which have been distilled and gleaned from the life experiences and learning of 30 – 50 years.
So then, how can we make the most of self help books and videos and how does it connect with Vedanta?
In recent times a lot of bestsellers have been written on topics like increasing productivity, life hacks, building habits, making money, improving relationships and so on. Each of the authors claim that once the missing piece of relationships or money or habits is found then the puzzle of life will be magically solved. They write with conviction presenting self-mastery as a worthy goal. It is easy to buy into the promise. However, from the perspective of Vedanta it is different.
In Vedanta, self-mastery is a springboard for us to pole vault into self-discovery.
Self mastery is a means to a goal which is discovering oneself as the limitless Atma. Vedanta is open to and encourages you to use different types of self help books and videos to cultivate better habits, have more discipline, have improved relationships and so on.
For self mastery thousands of methods are available and can be used as Vedanta is not opposed to any method.
A person who has self mastery uses his/her/their shaktis to live a life of priorities, align oneself with Dharma and have a relative sense of fulfillment in life.
Self mastery through self help books and videos can be achieved by considering the following factors:
Contextualise the learning to one’s issues
A willingness to apply what is learnt
Self mastery includes connection with others
Self mastery is a means to self discovery
Develop a loving, supportive relationship with oneself
Contextualising the learning to one’s issues:
Since self help books and videos are written for general public, it lies in our able hands to choose the tips and advice most relevant to our needs and situation. M, a 45 year old single mother of a 15 year daughter, having a corporate career was involved in an extramarital affair with S for a decade. S would take a lot of M’s money and try to control her while also putting her down. S was frustrated in his family set up of 2 children. M believed that she was S’s only support. So even though M had not been fulfilled in her extra marital relationship for a long time she could not break free. She would often think that what she was doing was wrong – being secretly involved with a married man but would convince herself that it is better to have some sort of relationship rather than be lonely. To relieve herself from her suffering, she read a lot of books and watched a lot of videos on acceptance and relationships. She concluded that she had to learn to accept M. So, what if he put her down and was in touch only when he could steal moments away from his family, he loved her and that’s all that mattered.
From an external perspective it seems clear that what both M and S were doing was not based on dharma. It could have been based on Dharma if his wife had accepted their arrangement. But it was a surreptitious affair based on a web of lies at both ends for more than a decade. Rather than have an acceptance of the fact that she no longer wanted to put up with the arrangement M tried to apply the principle of acceptance in sustaining the relationship of abuse. She convinced herself that she could be happy only if she could accept the stolen moments and that she must stop expecting anything else. Putting up with abuse in the name of acceptance was an incorrect framing of the problem and solution.
And so, correctly understanding and contextualising the learning requires a great deal of honesty and objectivity. The responsibility of incorporating the learning in our action plan lies with us.
2. Willingness to apply what is learnt – We are so busy defending ourselves against attacks on our self worth, justifying our actions, drowning in distractions that we have allowed herself to become tired with the process of life. We seek entertainment that is light. We can barely manage to complete the books that have been languishing in our book shelf for years.
The truth is that any kind of learning is uncomfortable.
It is an admission that maybe I was wrong.
Maybe I could do things differently.
Our willingness to apply what is learnt is only possible when we have a mindset of a learner.
A hurt mind cannot learn. A hurt mind will only lament and seek protection from some future imagined hurt.
As a learner we can temporarily suspend our experiences and the conclusions we have drawn from these. We can engage with the learning and play with possibilities to apply the learning. We can process our hurt and rediscover our wonder and joy for the learning – the same wonder we had as children.
Our willingness to apply learning is also connected to our sense of purpose, long term planning and hence motivation. If we are not clear on these then we will just drop the efforts made and stroll over to the next workshop which is the next buzz word in the self help industry. Inspiration is far too over – rated as fuel for action and application.
3.Self mastery includes connection with others Because a lot of self help books and videos originate from the US which is entrenched in a culture of individuality the advantage is the heightened sense of agency and responsibility but along with that comes an over-emphasis on self-reliance. The framework of Dharma and the all pervading presence of Bhagavan is neither understood nor incorporated into one’s sense of self reliance and agency. As a result the extent of burnout, stress is huge because one is in the driver’s seat all the time. This way of living is exhausting and cannot be sustained.
Self help becomes a mask we put on because we struggle to trust others or have not resolved our issues from the past. Self help cannot be a substitute for an inability to sustain healthy friendships.. We could easily mistake this over reliance on the self as self-mastery and hence avoid asking for help almost all of the time and reject any help offered. It becomes draining for this over self-reliant person especially when opportunities sooner or later arise where another’s help is required. It also becomes tiring for the person who offers help as that person feels rejected. So we are objective about the fact that self mastery involves connection with others and is not opposed to a healthy love and interdependence on others. We are in harmony with others and our sense of acceptance and gratitude is high with this kind of self mastery.
4. Self mastery is a means to self discovery A lot of self help is an obsession with manifesting your desires, having amazing relationships, keeping all negativity out, becoming a master of one’s destiny and so on. It helps to build an identity that revolves around artha and kaama, security and pleasure primarily. It is only when one has a sufficient sense of mastery and harmony with situations that one will even question if there is more to life than self-mastery? However fulfilling the relationships, however much is the wealth gained, however much the accolades at work, however much the rich learning and maturity ultimately the obituary will read as 1970 – 2025. The richness of your life seems to be captured by the dash between the date of birth and the date of death. If death is the seeming end of life then why even bother about learning or self mastery? It is easy to get sucked into a spiralling vortex of meaninglessness until we come to Vedanta.
Self help and self mastery just by itself is a bit like living in a large prison cell. One can optimize the living space by having fine minimalistic furniture, structure one’s day meaningfully, meditate, have gratitude for life, gaze at the sky etc. But we have to question what the self mastery is for. Taking the mind body to be our very boundary and its limitation as real, we live in the prison of our conclusion that we are limited. Self discovery in Vedanta does not add pretty flowers to the prison cell so that you feel good all the time. Rather Vedanta encourages you to tear down the prison walls.
Vedanta helps us appreciate the possibility that we are far more than the body and mind.
We are far more than the sum total of all our experiences.
We are the changeless in the flickering changes of our roles and identities.
Vedanta helps us see that self mastery need not be an exhausting, endless journey in sight.
We need just enough self mastery for the purpose of self discovery.
If we have cultivated a contemplative mind that has focus, we will definitely get flashes of insight of our limitless nature.
Even self mastery will gain a new meaning in the light of the disposition of Karma Yoga – the attitude to competence in our karma as an offering to Bhagavan and a cheerful acceptance of the situations and people in our lives.
Self mastery will not be about forcing our will through resisting situations in life but aligning with the laws of Bhagavan
Self mastery will not be about fulfilling all of our desires and hence the build up of stress but appreciating what true surrender is about.
Self mastery is about inviting Bhagavan into our lives and breaking down the prison cell walls of limitation. It is not about putting a murti in the prison cell to protect us because we have taken the walls of our identities as real.
5. Develop a loving, supportive relationship with oneself – You may go to the best coach in the world or read a number of best sellers but what matters is how you talk to yourself. If you use the learning to heap even more judgment on yourself and berate yourself then very soon you will become cynical and become your worst enemy.
It is so simple to be loving and supportive to oneself but very few even realise that one is having a non stop voice in one’s head as we drift through our day and that one can change the content and tone of the voice. Given that you are the adult wise, mature version of the younger self, you can tell yourself – I love you. You are doing well. We will find ways to get through this. You are acceptable. You have a big support system. You matter. You contribute to people’s happiness. People will miss you if you are not there etc. People struggle with self mastery because they have not learnt how to talk to themselves. Like any relationship it is a growing one of closeness and support. Better still when you see yourself as a manifestation of Bhagavan. The way you talk to yourself will change for the better.
To conclude we can make the most of the self help books and videos when we have the right perspective and make the connection between self mastery and self discovery.
No amount of ‘becoming’ will make one limitless.
Being or Isness is in and through all attempts at becoming.
Pure Being is never displaced. You always are.
