#259 How to resolve our internal conflicts – a friendly teaching from the Bhagavad Gita.  

It is likely that you have heard this popular story which is attributed to Native American culture. 

A young boy was sitting next to his grandfather, as they looked out the window.

The young boy looked up at him and said –  ” Grandpa, A fight is going on inside me. It is a fight between two wolves.

The dark one is angry and hurts everyone. The light one is good and kind to all. They fight all the time.

Grandpa, which one will win?’

And the grandfather said – Similar fights like the one in your heart go on in other people’s hearts, all the time. 

The one you feed will be the one who wins!

Continuing this story, can we do away with the fights in our hearts? No.

Why? Because choices and decisions need to be made everyday.     

Then, what are the other fights that go on in our minds and hearts?

How to know who will win?

How to know whom to feed? 

Whether our pursuit is for health, wealth or for self-knowledge, to be a master, a jitatma – the one who has mastered oneself, Bhagavan Krishna emphasizes that we need to be a friend to ourselves, a sakha, a bandhu.

उद्धरेदात्मानात्मानंनात्मानमवसादयेत।्

आत्मैवह्यात्मनोबन्धुःआत्मैव􀇐रपुरात्मनः॥६.५॥

Uddharēd ātmanatmānaṃ nātmānamavasādayēt|

ātmaiva hyātmanōbandhuḥ ātmaiva ripurātmanaḥ||6.5||

One should uplift oneself by oneself.

One should not lower oneself.

For, the self alone is the friend of oneself;

the self alone is the enemy of oneself.

Here the atma, refers to the person who is struggling with some conflict and trying to emerge from it.

How? By lifting yourself.

How so? By being a bandhu, a friend to oneself.

What else? One need not look down on oneself.

If we do so, it is being inimical to oneself, much like a ripu, an enemy.

Krishna categorically says that we create a conducive inner landscape by being a friend, a bandhu to oneself.

What does that mean? By talking to oneself like a friend would.

By cultivating sakha or sakhi bhaava which includes your inner dialogue of a kind, loving friend. This episode can be complemented with episode 139 Being one’s best friend, sakhi bhava.

Most of our conflicts are a clash of values.

To resolve our inner conflicts, we learn how to be a friend to oneself and ally with Dharma.  

A friend accepts you, encourages you and is there for you through thick and thin.

Let’s say, whether the person is striving for physical fitness or the professional is working on her projects or the person is trying to save money, the struggle unfolding in their heart is a clash of the titans..no the clash of the forces – Discipline and Laziness.

Discipline says – Stay committed. Slowly and steadily, we are reaching our goal.

Laziness says – Shut up. You deny me all the good things in life. One day of sleeping in or going lax is ok. We are not in the military.

Discipline says – True. We are committed to self-mastery. You have made great progress. A little bit of struggle now and you will be happier and have more self-mastery.

Laziness says – I don’t care. You shut up. This is too tempting.  

And the person succumbs to whatever the temptation is – the junk food, hours of scrolling social media to avoid the important work, the impulsive purchase and so on.

Discipline rears its head the next morning – C’mon wake up. It’s a new day. Let ‘s get back on track with our actions. 

Laziness says – I am feeling really bad because of the slip up yesterday. I don’t think I have it in me to be disciplined and starts to distract oneself.

Discipline says – Don’t be disheartened.  Slip – ups happen to the best of us. I am here to tell you that we just get back on track. The ship can never sail in one line. It certainly stays the course. What is more important than the slip-ups is aligning oneself to the course of action.  Laziness will give way to inertia. You remember Newton’s laws of motion, right? – A body   at rest will remain at rest unless an outside force acts on it.

Laziness says – Whatever..Khao piyo, mazaa karo, Eat drink and make merry. You are getting too worked up in the name of discipline. Just go with the flow, bro.

Discipline says – In the name of ‘going with the flow’are you prepared to bang against rocks? No. Are you prepared to become stagnant because there are too many rocks? No.

Just do a few minutes of what you are trying to avoid.

Laziness says – I am too busy and have a lot of assignments to complete.

Discipline says – When it comes to work you show a lot of discipline. But when it comes to matters of health, what happens? Is your health not important?

Laziness reluctantly says – Okay.Okay..just for a few minutes..we will do this.

Guess who won this round of the fight? Discipline because it is allied with friendly encouragement.

Every day through the year many more bouts between discipline and laziness will take place.

If discipline wins in most of the bouts, the person striving for fitness will achieve self-mastery because of the firm voice of discipline in her head. For her, discipline would prompt her to have a consistent workout routine, a balanced diet, and a commitment to healthy habits of adequate sleep, rest and managing stress.

Discipline will feed the motivation to becoming more disciplined resulting in improved health, increased energy, and a sense of accomplishment.

On the flip side, if laziness wins most of the time, the person striving for fitness will skip workouts very often, indulge in unhealthy eating habits, and avoid the effort. The consequence is a missed opportunity for personal growth and the early onset of health-related issues.

For the professional, if Discipline wins in most of the bouts, the person manages time efficiently, meets realistic timelines and consistently delivers high-quality work. This enhances his personal performance and also contributes to a positive and efficient work environment.

On the other hand, if Laziness wins in most of the bouts, the person is given to procrastination, lack of attention to detail, and a general reluctance to put in the effort required for excellence. This leads to decreased productivity, strained professional relationships, and missed opportunities for career advancement.

For the person trying to save money, if Discipline wins in most of the bouts, the person automates investments reducing the friction of decision making. Then from the money available, the person spends for necessary purchases, contributes to the family income, makes a policy to not borrow from friends and reviews the financial strategy with a financial advisor. The person does this without shaming or berating oneself.

On the other hand, if Laziness or Indiscipline wins in most of the bouts then the person will enjoy the thrill of impulsive purchases, will want to shop in every festival sale and accumulate a pile of debt which will result in decline in trust in relationships, not enough savings and spiralling low self-worth.     

As we see it is possible to resolve our internal conflicts for clear decisions and definite actions, by being a friend to yourself. 

Some of the other internal conflicts might be the battle

between composure and stress,

between hope and hopelessness,

between appreciation and criticism.

These kind of conflicts are slightly easier as one is largely managing oneself.

How about when there is a kind of conflict with another person, where the external conflict has to be managed and the arising internal conflict too?

Let’s say person D was unfairly compared to her sister who was taller, had better grades and was more sociable. Nothing D did was good enough for her parents. She could always be better.

Now D is in her thirties and just beginning to understand how the constant comparison shaped her personality to be a high achiever, while being critical of herself. Although her parents do not live with her, their voices still ring in her head, especially when she achieves yet another milestone.

D hesitates to admit that there is some resentment for her parents although there is also love and respect.

Unbeknownst to her, there is a battle of accommodation and resistance raging in her heart. 

If D was being an enemy to herself,  she would only echo the voice of the parents,

Resistance in her would sneer – After all this effort, I am still nowhere close to my sister. I am just not putting enough effort.

I wish my parents were not like this. I wish I was not like this.

I cannot accept that this is how my life has turned out.

Even when my husband shares his love for me, I doubt it and ask him if he really means it. Has he compared me enough with all his exes and am I deserving? Is his love really genuine? 

Resistance would just collapse with emotional exhaustion.

Accommodation has been listening in quietly and softly says – I hear you and I am there for you’.  

Resistance says – What is the use? My parents don’t think I am good enough.

Accommodation says – I accept you for what you are. It has been very tough for you, D

You have coped remarkably well. Just objectively look at all your achievements.

You have turned out to be an empathetic leader, a kind, giving and sensitive person. Because you went through so much comparison, you do not subject your employees to it nor your little children to it.

What happened was hurtful. And yet, that made you resolve that you would not behave like your parents did.  

Without justifying their behaviour, your parents were raised with comparison and criticism and they passed on the legacy as it were!  Their intentions were always clear and they continue to have a lot of love for you.

While we can understand that our parents did not know any better, we need not accept that they were right.

Accommodation continues – Accept that you cannot fully accept yourself and that is ok. You can accept that there is still some anger and hurt towards parents. It is okay. Take your time to process all this.

See that the law of karma unfolded in certain ways for me to go through these experiences.

Accept that it was my one’s karma of previous lifetimes coming back.

Perhaps you might have subjected your children, in a previous lifetime to a lot of comparison and criticism. Who knows?

Make space for the law of karma to unfold.

Accommodation says – It is good that you shared with your parents, how their parenting style shaped you.

You understood why they did what they did although you do not agree with it. After all understanding is not agreement.

While they struggled to understand and are too proud to admit that they make mistakes, they are old and struggling with health issues.

You can do your duty towards them.

Resistance is shifting uncomfortably but feels accommodated by accommodation.

If D was being a friend to herself, she would ally with the value of accommodation and acceptance.

Resistance will lift its head ever so often and the dialogue between resistance and accommodation will continue.

Since D has resolved to be a friend to herself, she will find her allies and fight it out, ever emerging victorious, well on the way to self-mastery. 

To conclude, the way to clear decisions and definite actions is shaped by our inner dialogue. As a friend, one can ally with all the values of Dharma and can emerge victorious in every fight, with another or with oneself.

In other words we ally with Bhagavan because Dharma is a manifestation of Bhagavan.

By making space for all of who we are, we make space for Bhagavan who pervades all of us.

We make space for all the laws of nature that sustain us.

When we make space for us and all our conflicts, we make space for Bhagavan in our hearts.   

What Bhagavan says in the Gita then becomes our reality  –

Sarvasya chaam hrdi sannivishtah –  I am present in the heart of all beings.